Asking For Disaster
by Cortex
Summary: When Ganondorf orders his two faithful (if reluctant) minions Vaati and Shadow Link to go and exact revenge on the four Links, he believes nothing can go wrong. However, fate's cruel hand has a habit of intervening at exactly the wrong moments. Cringeworthy, puerile humour ensues!
1. We Begin!

-  
Before I begin, I suppose I should explain some things. In this fic (and probably any other fics I'll write), the Shiroi is the codename for the good side, and the Kuroi is the codename for the dark side. It's what they're named in ANU, and I didn't think to change it in any other unrelated works. Sorry!  
-

Chapter One: We Begin!

Ganondorf thumped the table with his fist angrily.  
"Blast it! Blast it! [CENSORED]!"  
Vaati, who had been dozing over some paperwork, looked up groggily. "Master, I did the calculations." he said with more than a trace of fatigue. The King Of Evil nodded and waved a dismissive hand.  
"You're doing fine, Vaati. I have a bigger problem on my mind, though."  
"What is it?" The wind mage groaned inwardly as he spoke. This was more than likely to be one of Ganondorf's endless "personal problems"- recent examples included I can't reach my back when I wash myself, I don't like Radio 1 but it's the only signal this damn place picks up, I'm bored, Vaati do some more paperwork for me, Vaati do this, Vaati do that.  
"The Gerudos have taken over Death Mountain again." Ganondorf hissed, resting his chin on his hand and gazing at the wall. Vaati picked up his fountain pen and idly toyed with it for a few minutes, ignoring the awkward silence, before an idea came.  
"Those Gerudos cause us more trouble than they're worth. How about we-" Ganondorf coughed loudly and Vaati froze, remembering that his master was indeed a Gerudo. "W- what I mean was, they can be a bit temperamental at times-"  
COUGH! COUGH!  
"They... um..."  
COUGH! HACK! WHEEZE!  
"Master, I didn't even say anything!"  
"It wasn't you, Vaati, I have a fly in my throat. Anyway, carry on."  
Vaati gave up on the introductory sentence. "What I was thinking is, we really need to sort them out. The Gorons, who live on Death Mountain, would be highly valuable to us if we could free them and persuade them to become Kuroi."  
Ganondorf stopped poking a rolled- up piece of paper down his throat to try and dislodge the fly- "Master, that's my paperwork!"- and looked at Vaati with interest. "Oh? Carry on."  
"Well, they're immensely strong and have become quite technologically advanced. They could be especially proficient in the army, for example in the front flanks. Once they have established a strong trust with their chosen side, they will gladly use themselves as shields to aid their defence. We could also use their bases as shelters, as they are made of pure Goron rock and are almost indestructible. What do you think, Master?"  
"I think don't use such big words next time. Say it again, IN HYLIAN." (A/N: They're all speaking Hylian in this fic, of course. So basically, Ganon's saying the equivalent of our "Say it again, IN ENGLISH" for stuff we don't understand.)  
Vaati sighed inwardly. Here we go. "Big Goron boom-boom good. Bleep- beep good. Army boom-boom very good. House big and house strong. Well?"  
Ganondorf nodded. "Perfect plan! I'm so clever for thinking of it."  
Vaati seethed inside, but managed to suppress the urge to kick his master into kingdom come. Instead he smiled sweetly. "Yes, Master."  
"But Vaati... how are we going to get up Death Mountain and free them?"  
"... Climb? The Gerudos are good fighters, Master, but are afraid to pursue in case they, um, chip a nail. No offence."  
"Some taken. But I'll overlook it. We need to send a couple of Kuroi up, don't we...?"

Shadow Link strutted in front of the Dark Mirror, miming to Beyonce for the entertainment of a group of cheering Hinoxes. He didn't have to do this for them, of course- he was their leader- but Hinoxes had childish minds, and were prone to become grumpy and bored very quickly. However, they were very good fighters, and the most common recruit into the Kuroi army for their fierce competitiveness and strength. So it was important to keep them happy so they would fight well- and if that meant that he had to make a fool of himself, so be it. He quite enjoyed it anyway- it was lonely being the only human around for miles in the Fire Temple, so sometimes he needed the attention. He finished off his rendition of "Single Ladies" with an elaborate flourish, grinning without knowing as the Hinoxes erupted into appreciative roars.  
"You liked that, boys, did ya?" he whooped over them, his strange American twang travelling well around the caverns of the Fire Temple. "Well, if ya wanna see more like it, I suggest ya'll go flatt'n some villages! If ya come back with a death count of 500 or more, I'll do some Whitney Houston!"  
This sent the Hinoxes wild, and they eagerly grabbed their clubs and spears and thundered out, eager to please their flamboyant leader. Shadow watched them go, arms folded. A smile still flickered across his face as he sat himself down in front of his mirror. He tilted his head to the side, wondering who he should spy on today. While doing so, he couldn't help notice the silence in the temple now that his army had gone.  
He had been dispatched to the Fire Temple in the eastern reaches of Hyrule to look after the Hinoxes, who had been moved there after there hadn't been space for them all at the Kuroi HQ. The queue to get into the toilet in the morning had gone down the stairs, filled several rooms, out of the windows, and halfway around the block as well. It hadn't been a pretty situation. Still, people from the HQ would always visit of course, with food and drink or just for a chat. Shadow had always been very approachable, and although his honest, down- to- earth manner of speaking and indecipherable accent had put some people off at first, it was hard not to grow fond of him. Besides, it wasn't like he wasn't even lonelier than he should be- it's hard to make friends when you can't go out in daylight.  
He eventually decided to spy on Ghirahim. Whispering a charm to the mirror, he slid his hand up it to reveal a blurry image of what the sorcerer was doing that gradually sharpened, like a picture slowly loading on a cameraphone. He watched in interest.  
"Hmm, he's preparin' lunch. Looks nice." he muttered as Ghirahim, unaware he was being watched, transformed into his sword form and cut up sashimi quickly and delicately, before warping back into a human and kissing the tips of his fingers. Twirling the plate above his head, he sashayed over to the table and plonked it down in front of Zant, who sniffed it and looked ill.  
Shadow chuckled and whispered to the mirror again. "Onox. ... Oh, for Pete's sake, Swan Lake with that bloody great axe? That's gonna go wrong- yup, there's his head an' left arm off already. How could he do an arabesca-whacchimacallit in those stinkin' boots anyway?  
Bellum. Oh, he doesn't have a form an' he seems to have forgott'n, so it's obvious gettin' in the bath is gonna go all wrong... Whaddaya know, down the plughole he goes. Always thought he looked a bit like a spider anyways.  
Chancellor Cole... Oh, he's on the toilet, I didn't need ta see that. Okay, Mirror, all done."

It was 5am the next morning when Vaati found out what Ganondorf had in store for him. Usually he would've got up at that hour, but he was having a particularly good dream about Ganondorf being brutally murdered by the Shiroi. He sighed contentedly in his sleep, dreaming Ganon was calling out for him... "Vaati, help me! Vaati! Vaati! Vaati..."  
"VAATI!"  
Ghirahim's sharp tones made Vaati jump out of bed and blast him across the room, shattering an expensive china jug. The Thin White Duke- alike propped himself up on his elbow amid shattered porcelain and shot the slightly delirious sorcerer a nasty look.  
"Sorry. Reflex." Vaati muttered, and stretched unconcernedly. "Clear that up for me, would you?"  
Ghirahim snapped his fingers, not taking his eye off the purple necromancer, and the jug magically reformed itself and shot back onto the table, scattering paperwork as it did so. Ghi hated taking orders from Vaati- unfortunately, as his servant, he didn't really have a choice. Ganondorf and Vaati respectively were first and second of the pecking order here, and he came trailing in a mere fifth after Shadow Link and Veran. He hated being a crony to four other characters. "Anything else you want me to do, MASTER?" he hissed, spitting out the last word as if it was lemon juice. Vaati took no notice of his irate tones, and shook his head.  
"Nah. Perhaps I'll think of some menial task for you to do later in the day. Until then, what was it you wanted, O pathetic lackey?"  
Ghi's fists clenched into balls as he recited the message Ganondorf had sent him to deliver. *Seriously, could the guy not write?*  
"I, Lord Ganondorf, would like to see you in my chamber at 4:45 this morning. I cannot think of any death threats right now, so I'll end this message with the time- honoured "Be there or be square." What does that phrase actually mean? I want to know that as well. Sincerely, Ganon."  
"4:45?! But Ghi... It's 5:03 now! You blasted idiot, why did you come here over quarter of an hour late?!"  
"I got held up by Veran wanting me to shut her alarm clock off."  
"What, couldn't she do that herself?"  
"She had a dead arm from sleeping on it all night. Anyway, if you don't want to be square, I suggest you get going."  
Vaati motioned for Ghirahim to leave the room while he got dressed, muttering "To Ganondorf, I'm a veritable TV set anyway. I'm just there for information and to watch instead of doing anything."

After 20 minutes of trying to get dressed (Vaati's mind did not work well after sudden awakenings, and he thought his pantaloons were a tunic three times), he traipsed upstairs to Ganondorf's chamber. As he heaved his reluctant body up the ornate staircase that seemed to spiral into oblivion, he cursed his master for rejecting his offer to build a ski-lift up there. He had actually made a petition for it, signed by 137 other Kuroi, but recently he learnt Ganondorf was using it as toilet paper. He was prepared to bet that's where most of his paperwork ended up too.  
His master's heavy hands thumping on the piano keys travelled down to where he stood trying to catch his breath after the 27th flight. This was a most unwelcome sound at any time of the day, especially at 5:28 in the morning. It didn't help that most of the stuff Ganondorf played sounded like hold music. Still, at least he hadn't descended to some classical version of The Jackson 5 like Chancellor Cole had. (He was better now after being locked in a straitjacket for three weeks).  
He knocked on the towering door signifying the entrance to his master's chamber, decorated ornately with ancient, twisting Hylian designs and scriptures. Ganondorf usually took his time finishing whatever piece he was playing, and this morning was no exception. As always when he was waiting outside his master's door, Vaati took his time to read the scriptures sprawled across the door in a long, looping ancient script that was the Hylian equivalent of Latin. He could translate most of it though, and recite what he knew- as well as the original Hylian- off by heart and probably write it too, despite the fact that the door was almost as large as the whole castle rooftop.  
Ganondorf finished his piece with a ear- bashing flurry of keys, meant to be a gentle tinkling. He stopped, listening. Vaati, knowing his cue, applauded sarcastically. His master strode over to the door and flung it open. It hit the wall next to him and bounced back, thonking him square in the head.  
*He won't notice*, Vaati thought. *That's probably why he's so stupid. Probably does that every time he goes in or out.*  
As usual, the former Picori's prediction was correct, as Ganon's features arranged themselves into an annoyed frown.  
"Vaati, I can't tell the time, but I can tell you're VERY LATE! You must be almost A BILLION MINUTES LATE by now! What kept you?"  
"Ghirahim, master. Then I couldn't get dressed."  
Ganondorf made a pretty useless effort to hide the fact he was still in his pyjamas, and poked his servant. "Oh, just get inside. Honestly, I don't know how my intelligence keeps up with someone as stupid as you."  
Vaati's naturally deadpan face betrayed his inner urge to snort with laughter as he strode in the room. He settled himself in the small wooden chair reserved for him when he visited, while Ganondorf plonked his behind onto his intricate throne with a loud BANG.  
"So, O stupid one," he began, "I have made my decision on the Death Mountain situation.  
Remember we were discussing that we should send a couple of Kuroi up there? I've decided who I want to send."  
Vaati nodded. "Please, outline your decision and I will see to it that they are willing, Master."  
"The unlucky people are..." Ganondorf paused for effect, "You and Shadow Link!"  
There was a dead silence.

"Master, you've got to be kidding." Vaati whispered, purple- tinged face ashen. "Shadow Link?!"  
Ganon nodded. "And that's my final decision. Happy?"  
The usually calm, disinterested sorcerer (nicknamed The Computer by many of the Kuroi) simply did not know what to say. His mind seemed to have gone blank at the prospect, as if his system files were wiped. He didn't mind going up Death Mountain, personally- it would get him away from his brainless master- but... Shadow Link?! Shadow was his own creation, almost his offspring in some kind of twisted way, and he found himself blanching at the thought of him getting into any sort of danger. He remembered how he had fretted and panicked for weeks when Shadow was packed off to the Fire Temple to look after the Hinoxes, and insisted that the Dark Mirror be sent to him so that he would always be able to call for help, and get magical protection from it. Also... um, he had been a bit concerned about the mirror too. It was the most powerful magical artefact the Kuroi had, and it was what he had used to create Shadow Link. So, in a way, it was like Shadow's mother. Or at least that's how Gannydoofus always referred to it, as he had never been able to get his head around asexual reproduction.  
Vaati let out a quickly stifled "Ha!" as he remembered Ganondorf's face as he explained how Shadow was "conceived". The look that had twisted his already ugly features still made him laugh now.  
He twined a long strand of hair around his fingers as he spoke. "Master, I'm not sure that's wise. Me and Shadow are the Kuroi side's most valuable assets- after yourself, of course. Also, with Shadow gone, there would be nobody magically capable enough of overseeing the Dark Mirror. May I ask you to reconsider your decision?"  
Ganon frowned. "No you mayn't! That's MY decision, and that's final!" He slammed his hand on the desk, upsetting an ink pot over paperwork that Vaati had stayed up all night doing. "Whoops. You'll have to do that again when you come back. Anyway, go over to the Fire Temple and give Shadow the news. You'll both come back here and pack, and you'll leave tomorrow."  
Vaati's shoulders slumped in doleful resignation. Once Ganondorf had made up his tiny mind, there was no point trying to change it.

(A/N: I KNOW Ganon created Shadow in canon, but I've always seen it as more Vaati created Shadow. That's how I put it across in ANU anyway, so I'm going to use that non- canon version so I don't end up confusing myself).


	2. And So Our Antiheroes Set Off

Chapter Two: And So Our Antiheroes Set Off

Shadow Link was making himself a lunch of habas tapas and frittas when Vaati teleported in the middle of the living room. Being in the kitchen, he heard the loud crash that symbolised his creator's clumsy arrival on top of the bookshelf, which promptly plummeted to earth.  
Shadow walked into the living room with an air of indifference. "Master, I do wish ya'll would be more careful when ya teleport. That's the third bookshelf this week."  
Vaati got to his feet, self- consciously adjusting his hat as the books and their shelf arranged themselves into their former position behind him. "Apologies, Shadow. I am not in the optimum state of mind at the moment- I have just received rather unwelcome news from Lord Ganondorf."  
The shadow boy raised his eyebrows. "Tell me 'bout it! Last week I got news that the HQ ki'chen is clean outta chilli sauce! I've been findin' it hard to live!"  
His master magically procured a bottle of chilli sauce from under his cape. "I've been taking it to the local McDonalds. They really need it to cover up the taste of horse in their burgers. But I can spare one for you."  
Shadow took it, a greedy glint in his eye. "Okay then, Master, fire away!"

The two mages sat in the kitchen, eating Shadow's lunch while they talked. Vaati would politely finish eating his mouthful before speaking, whereas Shadow would simply speak where and when the need took him, spraying food all over the table. In his mind, Vaati silently likened it to being next to a digusting lawn sprayer. As the fifth piece of habas tapas hit him, he gave the boy a stern lecture on manners before continuing with the explanation of his dilemma.  
"So, basically..." Shadow began with his mouth full, but after receiving a glare from his master he shut it and swallowed sharply. "So, basically, we gotta liberate Death Mountain from the Gerudos?"  
"Yes, that's the basis." Vaati confirmed. "After the Gerudos are taken care of, we have to then persuade the Gorons to give us their trust so that they will become part of our army. They would be a very powerful addition to our flanks."  
"So...", Shadow poked at his plate with his fork, "how do we do that, then? The Gorons ain't an easily persuaded lot."  
"Well, by that time we would have already liberated their homeland. We're hoping to do that before the Shiroi- because although the Gorons can be quite stubborn, they will gladly assist anyone who has given them assistance in turn. Basically, it's whoever can rescue the Gorons first- because they are the ones that the Gorons will be willing to aid. Their race is neutral, but willing to help either side."  
"Hrm. The Shiroi can shift, though. They 'ave all that magic an' all to help them."  
"So do we, Shadow! We're sorcerers!"  
"YOU are, Master." Shadow glanced up at him from underneath his hair. "I can only do what I can under your power. And the Dark Mirror's, of course." He nodded towards the mirror standing forlornly in the corner, as if in acknowledgement "What're we gonna do with it while we're gone? Obviously we can't trust the Hinoxes."  
"We shall return it to our HQ. Lord Ganondorf will most probably keep it in his chamber, as it is the most secure place in the building."  
Shadow nodded, finishing his dinner with a loud burp. He noticed Vaati's plate was not empty yet. "Finish yours, Master?"

After Shadow Link had finished Vaati's dinner, the two returned to the HQ via teleportation. Since they were carrying the Dark Mirror, they made sure to be a bit more careful. They managed to teleport perfectly in the dead centre of Ganondorf's chamber, where he was waiting impatiently.  
"What kept you two?!" he snapped. "I got so bored I went for a walk and stubbed my toe! You're paying for my damages, Vaati!"  
Vaati nodded. "Of course, Master. I apologise for being the indirect cause of your affliction. In other matters, however, I am pleased to report that Shadow Link has accepted the mission you have set out for him and will now accompany me on our journey. As you can see, we have returned the Dark Mirror to this HQ in order to preserve it as we did not feel it would be under suitable protection in the hands of the Hinoxes. I trust that you appreciate our decision?"  
"Whatever." Ganondorf grunted, not wanting to admit he had been more fascinated in watching -and then zapping- a little bird outside the window than Vaati's words. He had heard "Shadow Link", "accepted", and "accompany", so that was enough. He crossed his legs, leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, making sure to look down his nose at the two of them.  
"Well then, I suppose you'd better go and pack. Don't take too much because you don't want to fall back down the mountain again!" He laughed loudly at his own joke, slapping his knee in appreciation. Vaati and his creation exchanged wry smiles, but dutifully laughed along anyway.  
When Ganondorf had finished amusing himself, he cleared his throat loudly. "Didn't I tell you two to pack?! GO!"

"[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!"  
"SHADOW LINK!" Vaati hissed, straightening up over a small travel bag. "How vulgar!"  
"Sorry, Master. Just felt like lettin' off a little steam." Shadow sang, swinging a toiletries pack around his head. Vaati closed his eyes, waiting for it to explode everywhere, but mercifully it never did. Instead, it left Shadow's hand and hit him square in the side of the head.  
"[CENSORED]!"  
"MASTER!" Shadow shouted gleefully. "How vulgar!"  
"Oh, grow up, will you." the sorcerer muttered, rubbing the soreness and resuming his packing. "Honestly, what kind of demonic being brought YOU into the world... Oh yeah. Me."  
His creation, which he was currently highly regretting, proceeded to spill a whole jar of Heart Potion over the floor. ("Hey, I thought only Shiroi were allowed this!")  
"Well, yes. It's a very addictive substance if used in excess, but Shiroi tend to be more responsible for controlling their levels of consumption." Vaati replied.  
"But Link drinks loads of it!"  
"Yeah, that's probably why he doesn't say much. Too stoned."  
"Ha! Ya got it, Master! D'ya know, he once told a story 'bout how his magical sword split him into four! WHA HA HA!"  
"No, that actually happened. And it was me that got the brunt of it."  
"Woah, really? Bein' stabbed at the same time, same place by four people? What was it like?"  
Vaati shuddered as he remembered that Link had once again drawn that sword out, split himself into four, and was now joining forces with the Shiroi to seek and destroy the Kuroi again. He was fairly sure that Shadow Link would get his first taste of the blade soon enough. "It was bad. Now just shut up and pack!"  
(A/N: This is probably set around the time of Four Swords Adventures, right at the beginning. Of course, I don't actually have a place in the timeline for it, it's mainly just timeline hopping everywhere, but let's say for continuity's sake that it's FSA. It just makes everything easier in terms of the Shadow stuff).

Two travel bags later (packed with: hairspray, spare clothes, a map, the spare bottle of Heart Potion, and a compass), the two were ready to go. Or at least, as ready as they could possibly be with Ganondorf banging impatiently on the door.  
"Hurry up, you two! Are you trying to fit the entire study in your bags?! Vaati, I hope you're taking some paperwork!"  
"Of course, Master." Vaati lied, stuffing two pieces of blank paper in the bags in case Ganondorf checked.  
The two mages left the room, and Shadow locked the door behind them with a Small Key. He opened his mouth and, with a flourish, dropped the key in and swallowed.  
"Shadow!" Vaati spluttered. Ganondorf looked unconcerned.  
"He can regurgitate anything at will, even if it has already been digested." Ganon explained. Vaati glared at his creation. "How did you work that out?"  
"I, uh... kinda regurgitated your dinner last week." Shadow muttered, fidgeting. "Not that it wasn't nice... it's just... I didn't like the papaya."  
Vaati's shoulders slumped in despair as he turned back to his master. "Should we set off now, then?"  
Ganon looked out of the window at the deepening twilight. "Better had." 


	3. Teh Fartz Police

Chapter Three: Teh Fartz Police

Vaati and Shadow did not leave the Kuroi HQ in high spirits. As was the norm in Hyrule, the temperature dropped considerably in the evening and it was now getting intensely cold. They debated going back in for sleeping bags, but Ganondorf had suspected they would try something like that and had locked the doors. The two stood outside in the cold glaring up at the bright orange light filtering through the warm- looking windows.  
Ganondorf leaned out of his study window at the top of the dungeon. "You'd better make sure you get there before the Shiroi! If you don't, I'll..."  
He paused.  
"I'll..."  
"All the time in the world, Master." Vaati called up, mentally calculating that the Shiroi were probably having tea and cakes with the Gorons right now.  
"I'll think of something when you get back!" Ganondorf yelled, and disappeared back inside his room. He slammed the window behind him, causing a bolt to break off and clatter to the paved tiles below.  
"Shame. I was kinda hopin' he'd fall out. An' die." Shadow muttered, earning a smack from Vaati (who couldn't help but silently agree).  
Veran clambered out of the window, landing gracefully and striding over to the two shivering sorcerers. "You two look pathetic. Hardly worthy to send out on a major military operation." "Thanks for getting straight to the point, Veran." the purple- haired wind god hissed.  
"You're welcome." Veran grinned. "You know I don't really mean it. I just mean it. Now c'mon- spirits up, boys! Think of it as a grand adventure!"  
While the words were welcome, her cheerful optimism did nothing to dull the pain of the cold and biting wind at their skin. The trees bowed and swayed ominously as it shrieked through the turreted rooftops of the HQ. The open window clattered loudly, and Veran turned sharply towards it. "I'd better get back inside before Grannydork hears." she whispered, more to herself than the others. She turned for one final time towards Vaati and Shadow. "Listen, you two, I'm going now. Vaati- I'll keep Ghirahim busy for you and I'll make sure Grannydoofus doesn't wreck any more of your paperwork. Shadow- I think I'LL be the one looking after the mirror. I'll take care of the Hinoxes as well for you. Me and Bellum- once we've fished him out of the plughole- will protect the mirror. You two seriously have nothing to worry about."  
The Kuroi dungeon started shaking violently, a sign that Ganondorf was going down the stairs. Veran winked at them both, and hurried back towards the house. She slipped in through the window, shutting it firmly behind her, and was gone in the welcoming yet inaccessible light of their previous abode.

Vaati and Shadow began their journey.  
For the first night, they walked for as long as their feet would allow them. They travelled along bristling fields, shining rivers, and threadlike bridges from eras past in order to cover as much ground as they could, while they still had the energy. Most of the time Shadow lagged behind, childlike curiosity always engaged in something or other- whether it was merely a brightly coloured flower or a violent fire ripping apart another Shiroi domain, Shadow Link wanted to know everything about it. Vaati, knowing he would catch up, would stride ahead.  
The two walked on in general silence, saving their energy for walking. They felt that if they opened their mouths, the cold air would rush into them and freeze in their lungs. Their breath seemed to freeze and drop to the floor in mid- air, and any exposed skin seemed to turn on and eat itself. The wind didn't help either, and several times the both of them had to chase their hats for half a mile or more.  
"This is ridiculous." Shadow snapped as he crawled under a fence to try and locate his hat again. "I can't even SEE Death Mountain yet. What's 'bout you, Master?"  
"Shadow, it's too DARK to see anything." came the reply, and as if to prove the point Vaati stepped straight on his head, plunging his face into a slushy puddle.  
"MASTER!" Shadow wailed. "WATCH WHERE YA [CENSORED] STEPPIN'!"  
"Oh, well I'm terribly sorry! Maybe you should keep a tighter hold on your hat!"  
"You've lost yours five times!"  
"This is your SEVENTH time!"  
"...! Ah! There it is!"  
Vaati gave up with trying to remonstrate with his creation as he watched Shadow leap on his hat like a playful tiger. He jammed it back over his scruffy hair, and blew a loud raspberry to nobody in particular.  
Suddenly, the two of them heard an ominous sound behind them. Clip-clop. Clip-clop. Clip-  
"BWAAAAAAAHHHHH! LIIIIIIINNNNNNKKKK!" Vaati and Shadow shrieked in unison, attempting to jump into eachother's arms and crashing into eachother instead.  
"No, wait, does the Link of this era even ride a horse?" Shadow asked.  
"This is MULTIPLE era, stupid. He can ride a blimmin' train if he wants to." Vaati hissed.  
"A train?!"  
"Spirit Tracks for DS."  
"Wasn't that supposed to be Four Swords 4?"  
"Yes, but they cancelled. Development hell, apparently."  
"No, they just don't like you."  
"I know."  
A shadowy horse towered over them, with an even shadowier figure (A/N: Is that even a word?) seated erect on top of it. Although their silhouette shone in the moonlight, this did nothing but increase the blackness of the shadows decorating them. They looked down at the two Kuroi.  
"I am an officer of the law. Or, to be more exact, a Hyrule Castle Guard." It had a masculine voice, sounding slightly rough as though they had a need to cough. "I have no choice but to arrest you two for a breach of the peace."  
"Have we been breachin' the peace? How?" Shadow asked.  
"Namely, um, farting in public. Listen, I know it's not really a crime, but I NEED to keep my job." the guard muttered, sounding embarrassed. Despite the situation, Shadow couldn't help but capitalize on his awkwardness.  
"What was that? For Tim Imperbrick? Don't know him. Go to the post office, buddy."  
"Shadow, he said FARTING IN PUBLIC." Vaati snapped. "And I regret to inform you, good sir," turning his attention back to the guard ", that we have most definitely not been carrying out such obscene behaviour."  
"Well, there was certainly an obnoxious sound from this field." the guard replied.  
"What, Shadow's voice? Or..." An idea hit Vaati. "Do you mean the raspberry he did just then?"  
"Raspberry or not, I know a fart when I hear one. Sounds a bit like PHLRPBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT. And raspberries sound like BBBBRRRRRRTTTTTTTT. Whatever foul noise your friend made sounded more like PHLRPBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT to my trained ear."  
Shadow sighed, world- weary. "Are ya'll gonna arrest us anyway?"  
"Yup."  
Another idea hit Vaati. "Where's the police station?"  
"Gerudo Desert."  
The wind mage considered this for a moment. It was worth allowing Shadow and himself to be arrested if it meant being taken as far as Gerudo Desert, which was a lot nearer to Death Mountain than they were right now. But then again, if they were taken there, they would obviously escape and would then be surrounded by the heart of the problem- the Gerudo. If they were to get out of the desert and continue on their quest, they would have to somehow sneak past them.  
"We'll go." he decided eventually.

The two were bundled into a rickety old cart that looked as if it had never had maintenance in its life. They sat in nauseous silence as the floor rattled and bounced beneath them, making its way over broken paths and lumpy terrain. As there were no windows, they did not know where they were, nor how much time had passed. Vaati took time to explain the game plan to Shadow Link, who decided that it was the best course of action. Eventually tiredness dominated their minds and they lay down on the floor to sleep. "AYABUGGABOOBOOBLAHBLAHBUGGABOOAYAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Vaati barely had time to register the sound of Ganondorf's trademark war cry before the cart jolted violently, lurching sideways and sending him and Shadow crashing into the wall. Shadow jerked awake and the two clutched onto eachother's tunics as the cart rolled viciously from side to side. The shining blade of a sword flashed through the fabric covering it, sending splinters of wood and strips of fabric flying everywhere.  
"Hang on, Shadow!" Vaati yelled. He swept his creation up in his arms and leapt to his feet, karate- kicking his way out of the cart and being hit with a lance in mid- air. He landed with an ugly- sounding CRACK on the ground.  
Shadow leapt to his feet, accidentally standing on Vaati. Hearing his master's quickly stifled swears of pain, he stepped off and watched as carnage unfolded before him. Ganondorf, on his favourite black horse, was unleashing wave after wave of violent magical attacks on the guard and his steed, which was racing away into the night. The guard hung onto it with all his might, becoming nought but a black dot in the distance even as he attempted to turn the terrified creature around. The King Of Evil fired one more luminescent spell at him that briefly turned day to night, before turning his attention to the cart. With a click of his fingers, it disappeared into nothing.  
Shadow couldn't help but applaud. "That looked amazin'! What a light show!"  
Ganondorf jumped down off his horse, falling heavily on his backside as he slipped on a patch of moss. Shadow dutifully looked away as if nothing had happened as he dusted himself off and got to his feet again.  
"Is everybody alright? I got here as fast as I could!" Ganondorf panted. "Was that the fool that kidnapped you?"  
"We weren't kidnapped, Lord Ganon, we were arrested. We decided it would be a good idea to hitch a ride, 'cause the jail's in Gerudo Valley. But thanks for helpin' anyway... I guess."  
A blank look crossed Ganondorf's face. "Wha- Oh yeah...! Goddammit."  
Vaati groaned from the floor, briefly turning his master's attention to his plight. Ganon barely glanced at him for a second. "Hang in there." he said uncaringly, and resumed looking blank and slightly fed up.  
"Lord Ganon, notta be rude or nothin', but my master's pretty hurt. Ya'll got any Heart Potion?" Shadow asked, and then an idea struck him. "No wait, hang on!"  
He ran over to the two travels bags, mercifully unharmed, and unscrewed the top of the Heart Potion. He knelt down beside Vaati and pressed it to his lips. "C'mon, Master, drink up."  
Vaati dutifully sipped at the sweet- tasting potion, feeling strength return to his weakening bones. Unfortunately, this meant he also got a bit of sensation back. He almost spat the liquid out as searing pain ripped up his body from his right leg.  
"Oh, by the Goddesses!" he hissed. "What on earth...?!"  
"I wouldn't look down if I were you." Ganondorf muttered, noting what had happened. He was no medical expert, but he knew that nobody's leg should be bent THAT way. "Your leg's supposed to bend INWARDS from the knee, isn't it?"  
"I take it mine isn't, then."  
"Err, no. It looks kind of funny, actually. You know, funny ha- ha. Can I take a picture?"  
"Master! No!"  
"I won't send it to Veran, I promise..."  
"I think we should really concentrate on just gettin' him bandaged up." Shadow said, more to himself than anybody else. He magically procured toilet roll from mid- air (he wasn't advanced enough for medical equipment yet) and strengthened it using simple sorcery. He gripped Vaati's broken leg.  
"Master, this is gonna hurt. Sorry." he said, and snapped it back into place with a loud CRUNCH.

1: 26 AM. The two astronauts on the Mars Voyager looked around in consternation.  
"Hey, Jim, is something broken in here?" one astronaut asked. The other (Jim) replied "No, nothing's wrong. Sounds like someone screaming to me."  
"Perhaps we've just crashed into an alien life form! But the radar says it's coming from Hyrule..."

1: 31 AM. Over in the local cemetery, a man who was previously dead popped his head above ground. "What on earth is that awful noise?" he asked.  
The grave next to him stirred and another corpse sat up. "Sounds like someone screaming to me."  
"Jesus Christ. How are we supposed to rest in peace with that thundering racket?!"

Vaati finally stopped to draw breath. Shadow Link and Ganondorf cautiously crept out from behind their hiding places, sliding their hands from their ears.  
"By the love of Nayru, Master, ya scared all the crows outta the trees!" Shadow whispered. He looked down at Vaati's broken limb. "At least your leg's straight now."  
Vaati, with great difficulty, sat up. He was sweating profusely. "You- are NOT- to touch me!" he hissed.  
Ganondorf gasped gleefully. "Hey, I've just thought of something!"  
His two minions looked at him curiously. Ganondorf thinking of something? This was unheard of.  
"There's a shaman in Gerudo Valley who'll gladly heal Vaati's leg for free. She can remend bones and everything. It'll be like he was never stupid enough to break it!"  
"You hit me with a lance, Master!"  
"Can I help my eyesight? Anyway, we're currently in the middle of the desert and it's very dark. We'd better find shelter before a sandstorm blows in."  
Without another word, Shadow and Ganondorf turned and walked off, more worried about getting sand in their eyes than their injured companion. Vaati cursed them from the bottom of his heart and began to painfully limp after them. They walked for about half an hour. As the first rays of the moon began to shimmer down upon the glowing sands, the wind also began to blow viciously. Sand was lifted up and whirled gently, then quicker, then violently around them. Eventually the two had no choice but to kneel down in the sand. Ganondorf pulled his large cape over him, which Shadow tried to get under but was pushed out again. The boy curled up in a ball instead, as Ganondorf wrapped himself in fabric and lay down, eyes squeezed shut.  
"That should slow them down." Vaati muttered half a mile back, ordering the wind to become calmer. "Bloody backstabbers they are, too."  
He hopped painfully along the sands, which nibbled at his ankle and threatened to pull him down. Sometimes he would find a half- buried crate to stand on and act as a viewpoint, hand shading his forehead like a ship's captain as he searched for signs of life. Sometimes his eyes would trick him, and he would hobble towards a shadow making their way across the sand only to find it was a drifting tumbleweed. Shadow Link had taken the travel bags with him, so he had no map and no compass to find his way. His feet and calves hurt from being pulled in and out of the sand constantly, but he knew it was important to catch up with his comrades. Without him, those two goons would never survive.  
(Needless to say, he regretted Shadow even more).  
Eventually he came across them, lying almost prostrate in the sand. He stood over them, face darkened. They did not move.  
He raised a concerned eyebrow. Perhaps the sandstorm he had sent was a little TOO violent...? Then again, Ganondorf would never let himself die. He was far too important for menial things such as that.  
"Psst, Shadow." he whispered, booting the boy gently. "Shadow!"  
Shadow Link finally stirred, opening one sand- crusted eye and squeezing it shut again in pain. "[CENSORED], what a storm!"  
"SHADOW! What did I tell you about using words like that?"  
"Nothin', Master. Ya just said it was vulgar. An' then you swore too. It kinda cancels it out..." Shadow paused to magically procure a bottle of water from thin air and rinse his eyes out.  
Vaati glared at him. "That's beside the point. Conversation over. Next topic-", he pointed at Ganondorf, who had still not moved ", -is he dead yet?"  
Ganondorf groaned and propped himself up on his elbows. "Will you two stop talking so loud? I've got a pounding headache..."  
Vaati and Shadow stared at him in half- concern. "You're hungover?"  
"No, I've been asleep! Lying here, snuggled under my lovely thick cape, was so comfy I just drifted away. Now I've completely forgotten where I am. Where are we?"  
The three of them took a moment to look around and take in their blank surroundings. Sand stretched out all around them as if there were nothing else in the world. You could almost see the curvature of the earth, as nothing stood in the way but the fine grains. Some crates and poles, left in the desert by travellers long ago, lay abandoned or half- upright around them, but there was nothing else to suggest civilization.  
"...Here." Shadow said. 


	4. Warning! Forthcoming Obscure Cameo!

Chapter 4: Warning! Forthcoming Obscure Cameo!

The three huddled around a makeshift campfire (as they did not have any sticks to rub together, it was instead created by clapping their hands constantly and then putting them on the ground while they were still hot. In Hyrule, the laws of physics are broken somewhat).  
"We must've looked really weird creating this..." Shadow yawned. "Just clappin' at nobody in particular..."  
"Perhaps applauding Vaati's stupidity." Ganondorf sneered. Vaati very nearly flipped.  
"Hang on a second, how was this MY fault?!" he snapped.  
"You broke your leg and held us up!"  
"I broke my leg because of YOUR terrible aim!"  
"You two! Shaddup!" Shadow hissed, and wrenched the map out of the bag. "Listen, let's just have a look at this map to try an' get our bearings. Then, ya can resume the argument."  
"Good compromise." Ganondorf announced, and leaned forward over the campfire to try and get a look. Needless to say, this did not go well.

"YAAAAAAAA[CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]AAAAAAAAA[ CENSORED][CENSORED]AAAAA!"

"Wow, I didn't even know that word!" Shadow said in delight. Vaati cringed.  
"Master, could you tone it down a little?"

"UGGABUGGA[CENSORED][CENSORED]LALALALA[CENSORED]HI DEHI[CENSORED][CENSORED]!"

"Master! Please!" Vaati snapped as Shadow gleefully repeated everything.

"BLAAAAAAAA[CENSORED]AAAAAAAAAA[CENSORED]DINGDINGD INGDING[CENSORED][CENSORED]AAAAAAAA!"

"You're just doing this to wind me up now."

After Ganondorf had put the flames out on his best robes, the three settled down again (relations somewhat strained). Shadow was much more in awe of Ganondorf, however, having never heard anyone who could sound like a Butlin's redcoat and a ship's bell in the middle of a swearing fit before.  
Vaati snatched up the map and turned away from the two of them, studying it on his own. He traced the closest estimate to the route they had taken with his finger, and surmised that they were about 25 kilometres away from Gerudo Valley. His shoulders slumped in half- relief, half- despair. At least they weren't far away now, but could he REALLY travel all that distance with these two?  
"One more slip- up from either of them, and I'm going it alone." he promised himself, and slipped the map under his belt.  
He turned back to his travelling companions, who had been quietly exchanging swear words. They sat up straight and looked at him innocently. He narrowed his eyes. "We're moving out tomorrow. We're about 25 kilometres away from Gerudo Valley-"  
"Home sweet home!" sang Ganondorf.  
"Yes, Master, home sweet home. It appears that we shall have to make the journey on foot as we have no other suitable means of transport. I do not think we shall be able to teleport in this area as I detect a reading of strong magical interference which may disrupt our journey. Additionally-"  
"Gimme that map! Are you SURE we're that far away?" Ganondorf snapped, whipping the map off his minion. He studied it, face creased with concentration. "AHA!" he roared triumphantly. "They call you The Computer, Vaati, but you are WRONG! We are actually 25 CENTIMETRES away from Gerudo Valley!" Ganondorf thrust the map at Vaati, poking the path they needed to take.  
"...Master, that's map ratio."

After Vaati had explained to a bemused Ganondorf how map-to-real ratio worked (fruitlessly, as usual) the three decided to find somewhere to sleep. They knew it was too dangerous to sleep out in the open because the desert temperature could drop below freezing at night, and Poes were known to roam the area. Luckily, it wasn't too far a journey before they found shelter.  
A small cylinder of bricks poked up from beneath the sand, with some bricks knocked out to create a small door. It led to about 50 metres below sand level via an old wooden ladder, and although it smelled a little musty at the bottom they decided it would do. They started to climb down, and Shadow had the bright idea of using Ganondorf's cape as a block on the opening, so that no sand blew in during the night.  
They climbed down cautiously, but of course a rung on the ladder had to snap under Ganondorf's weight. Since he was coming down last, this meant he promptly knocked Vaati and Shadow off the ladder too, and they all crashed to earth in an ungainly heap. (This did nothing for Vaati's leg).  
Shadow crawled out from the bottom of the pile, not able to BELIEVE how heavy Ganondorf was when he landed on top of you. Even Vaati, who barely ate, felt like a sack of bricks when you were underneath both him and his heavyweight master.  
"Jeez, you two could be sumo wrestlers!" he whimpered, wondering if he had cracked a rib. He lay on the ground trying to catch his breath.  
Vaati pulled himself out from under Ganondorf, with a little help from Shadow. "This is ridiculous. No wonder the Shiroi think we're a laughing stock." he whinged. Ganondorf sat up, readjusting his tunic.  
"Vaati, don't be so negative!" he remonstrated. "We're the three most powerful Kuroi in the world! If anyone laughs at us, they go BOOOOOOOOM!"  
"Why do they go boom, exactly?" Shadow asked, confused.  
"'Cause we blow 'em up." came the reply. "Sounds good to me."  
"Aw, come on, you two!" Vaati wailed. "All we've done so far is get things wrong! This whole thing is a comedy of errors!"  
"No, it's not. Go to sleep now, it'll all be better in the morning." Ganondorf said soothingly, before procuring a large frying pan and hitting Vaati over the head.

Vaati woke up the next morning at 5 AM, head throbbing. He put a hand cautiously to his skull and felt a massive lump. He lay back down, trying to remember how that had happened, and clenched his fists as the last memory he had- a frying pan coming at him like a wrecking ball- returned to his tired mind. "I only said- well... I can't remember what I said, but I only said it!" he whinged to himself. "Maybe I should ring Veran and get her to teleport me back to the HQ... Damn, they must be having a good time over there."  
He sighed and looked around. Ganondorf lay in a sprawled heap against the wall, snoring grotesquely. A small strand of dribble hung from his bottom lip.  
Shadow Link was slumped against the ladder, cheek pressed painfully against the rung. Luckily, he was not snoring. The frying pan Vaati had been hit with the other night sat on top of a pile of embers, and was covered in some orange goopy substance. A can of baked beans lay empty next to it.  
Vaati clenched his fists. "Eating baked beans without me... The barstads!" (Vaati had a very posh way of pronouncing swear words). He was just about to fulfil his promise and storm off by himself- but then, an idea struck him.  
He dug around in the travel packs that Shadow held loosely in his hand and proceeded to spray Ganondorf's hair with Magik- Hold. Throwing the hairspray can aside, he separated his master's somewhat long hair into two sides. Working quickly and deftly, he teased them into stumpy plaits, and made them grow down to his elbows with a hastily whispered spell. Finally, he produced two bobbles (both with little penguins on) from mid- air, and secured the plaits tightly with them. He used magic to seal them in place, and stepped back to admire his handiwork.  
"Hmm... Needs a shave, but he'll do." he muttered, a grin creeping over his lips. He put the hairspray can back into the bags, and arranged himself into a suitable "sleeping" position. He dropped off happily.  
_

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL?!"

Ganondorf opened one eye blearily, then the other. The first thing he saw was Shadow Link, on his feet and pointing at his hair with a look of horror and badly- hidden amusement on his face. The second thing he saw was Vaati, propping himself up on his elbow and wearing a deadpan expression (as was the norm, whatever happened. Vaati had the same response whether he saw a moth or an axe murderer- another reason why he was nicknamed The Computer).  
"Vaati, Shadow, why the hell are you staring at my head?" he snapped. "Gimme a mirror!"  
Shadow showed him his reflection using the shining bottom of the saucepan. Ganondorf's expression twisted, gurned, and generally cycled through all the looks of hatred and disgust it was capable of-  
"THOSE [CENSORED] POES!" he yelled. Vaati sat up in surprise. He had half- expected Ganon to have got him as the suspect straight away- he had even prepared an epitaph for himself.  
"The Poes, Master?" he asked, unable to contain himself.  
"I KNEW THEY WOULD COME BACK TO GET ME!" Ganon roared, head in hands. Shadow lowered the saucepan slowly.  
"W- what happened?"  
"I... I was walking through this desert a long time ago, and I needed a pee. So I relieved myself, as you do. I wrote your name in the sand, Vaati, as I didn't have enough pee to write mine." (Vaati blanched). "Nobody was around or anything... or so I thought! The next day, I woke up to Chinese water torture in the Spirit Temple because I had peed straight through one of them! And it was FEMALE as well! Apparently she had to retire because of shock and died the next day!"  
"...How did she die if she was already dead, Master?" Vaati asked.  
"Hey, I don't know. I just went with what they said. Anyway... THEY SAID THEY WOULD GET REVENGE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"  
The saucepan clattered to the floor. Shadow and Vaati could do nothing but stare at eachother and suppress laughter.  
"It was you, wasn't it?" Shadow mouthed. Vaati nodded, and the two of them had to quickly escape from the shelter to get some fresh air outside.  
A couple of minutes later, Ganondorf climbed up after them. Wrenching his cloak from the doorway, he pulled it miserably around himself. "I don't want to go to Gerudo Valley now. How can they see their leader like this?!"  
"They wear veils, don't they? You can just order them to put 'em up over their eyes-"  
"SHADOW LINK, IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!"

The three of them continued to make their way across the desert. Shadow insisted on singing old sea shanties until Vaati and Ganondorf told him to shut up, and for the remainder of the journey he dragged behind in a miserable sulk. It was even slower going than normal, since Vaati's leg had not got any better during the night and now resembled a blimp. He limped along with Shadow in the same state of despair, and Ganondorf wasn't in the best of moods either. It was constant amusement for his two minions, however, to see him stop and frantically try to pull the bobbles out. He would always give up, and trudge onwards muttering curses.  
The sun was out, and although it beat down mercilessly on their backs its effect was subsided slightly by the frequent sandstorms. Vaati made no attempt to stop them, and neither did anyone ask- it was a great relief to feel the wind at their backs. Eventually the tents and watchtowers of Gerudo Valley made a tentative appearance over the horizon, spurring the travellers on greatly.  
They fell into a good pace, not too quick for eachother and not too slow. Apart from a couple of insults now and then, there was no conversation between the three and they made their own lonely way to their destination. They merely followed in eachother's footsteps, kicking sand up in small flurries.  
From the Gerudo fortress, an old lady watched them approach. She was dressed in a simple sari- type garment with a veil covering her crumpled face. The entirety of her frail body seemed to be made of tea- stained, crinkled paper that had been left to wither. Despite her advanced age, she was perched on the ledge of an open window, swinging her skinny legs back and forth with the wind. Her short, wispy hair fluttered about her face as she watched the travellers approach with narrowed eyes.  
A younger girl, about 18 or 19 years old, stood behind her. She was not a Gerudo, but was still dressed in their traditional garments- basically, a bikini and veil around the mouth and nose. She had purple hair tied up in a large bobble, and wide red eyes. "Gera..." she began (this was the old lady's name). "Gera, is anything the matter? You seem awful interested in something."  
Gera beckoned the girl to come and look. She pointed out towards the horizon with a scrawny finger. "Three men approaching. Men, Risky. You know what to do."  
Risky peered out into the desert. "Oh yeah! Yeah, I see. Right, so you Gerudo... you imprison men?"  
"Indeed we do. You're learning fast, aren't you? We were right to initiate you."  
"Can I just ask... why DO you imprison men?"  
"Because they're useless." Gera's usually weak voice became sharp and clear, her strict tones indicating the end of the conversation. Risky blanched, and raised her eyebrows. "As you say, Gera(!) I'll go apprehend them now."  
Grabbing up her spear, she raced down the stairs of the fortress and onto the burning desert sands. She stifled a swear word as her bare feet reminded her just how hot it was, and tried to disguise how much she was hopping.  
"Risky, are you doing Gangnam Style?" the Gerudo on top of the watchtower, Janai, asked.  
"Yes, of course I'm doing frickin' Gangnam Style!" Risky snapped.  
"Get with the times! The Harlem Shake is all the rage right now." With that, Janai turned round and whipped out a bugle from a belt around her waist. She blew it, and all the Gerudo immediately lined up in their positions. Janai blew it again, and the tribe automatically began to do the Harlem Shake- even Gera on top of her window. She promptly fell off and died.  
Risky sighed and continued into the desert.  
(A/N: Risky is NOT an OC, she is an actual game character. She's not from Zelda, she's from the Shantae game series ( ). Google "risky boots shantae" to see what I mean. I needed to put her in because in a fever dream last night, I had an amazing idea for her and Vaats! But no, he's not anything to do with her race. Sorry.)

Vaati stopped, hands on hips. "What on earth...? Is that the Harlem Shake?"  
"Don't even THINK about it, Master. Ya already embarrassed me enough when ya did the cha- cha across the room at my birthday party."  
"I never did! That was my evil twin. HARLEM SHAAAAAAKE!" Shadow and Ganondorf plunged their heads into their hands as Vaati proceeded to dance across the sands in delight. Shadow had to admit, he was very good at keeping up with dance crazes- and even better at dancing them- but MUST he do it in public? (Well, it's not like the desert was public, but he bet on his life a bunch of Gerudos were watching somewhere). They didn't even notice Risky approaching until it was too late. With a flash of purple, she apprehended them all and chained them roughly in cuffs, slapping duct tape over their mouths for good measure. Vaati was in the middle of a very complicated move, and ended up chained with one arm twisted around his neck and another chained to his ankle. "I would've loved to know what THAT was going to turn into." Risky muttered as she picked up all three of them single- handedly and carried them back to the fortress. "Mmmmph!"  
"Mmmmmmmmph!" "Mmmmmmmmmmmmph!"  
The attempts to speak were interrupted by a loud breakage of wind that propelled the group forward four metres, and a contented sigh.  
Risky immediately threw the three to the ground and ripped the duct tape off their mouths (giving Ganondorf a bit of a shave). She glowered at all three of them in turn. "Right, who was that?!"  
"Me!" Ganondorf snapped. "I was trying to tell you, but you had sown my lips together!"  
"I hadn't." Risky held up the tape. "I used this."  
"No, you unstitched my lips using magic. Now carry me again, peasant!"  
Risky frowned. "Aren't you Ganondorf? Leader of the Gerudos?"  
"Indeed I am! Do what I say! Carry me, carry me back to my kingdom!"  
"How vulgar." she muttered- however, she decided to obey him anyway. She heaved him back onto her shoulders, and carried his two aides under her arms. In her annoyance and slight dehydration, she failed to truly notice Vaati and Shadow- however, she would later on. (Well, Vaati at least). For now, however, she simply trudged back to the fortress, well- worn feet becoming used to the harshness of the desert. She had used to be a pirate, roaming the high seas in search of treasure and power. She had always been held back, of course- you were not a true villain unless you had been apprehended by some force of good- but nevertheless, she had never given up on her quest for omnipotence. She had learned of the Gerudo tribe in Hyrule during her travels, and had become fond of the idea of joining them. The initiation process had not been too strict- the Gerudo were willing to accept any female who proved themself a competent fighter, and a talented actress (the Gerudo were thieves, see, and they needed to act innocent when committing petty crime in Hyrule Castle Town markets). Already being something of a supervillain in the world of Shantae, she had easily proven herself worthy.  
She dumped the three at the gates, pausing to take a breather. Janai climbed down from the watchtower and cast a critical eye over the three.  
"Okay then, Risky, you can go and have a rest now. I'll take care of these." she muttered. Her eyebrows suddenly shot up. "Hey, Ganondorf! Is that you?!"  
"Indeed it is me, Janai! It's a pleasure to see you again! Hello, everyone!" Ganondorf shouted. The Gerudo took a break from patrolling or practising their Harlem Shake to turn to their master and bow, in one perfectly synchronised and fluid motion.  
"Why... is your hair in plaits...?"  
"NEVER MIND THAT! IGNORE THAT! THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN! Now shut up and let me renounce my duties as your LORD and MASTER!"  
"What about us?" Shadow asked.  
"What About Us, released in 2012 by The Saturdays. Peaked in the charts at number-" Vaati began.  
"Lock them both up." Ganondorf announced, pointing accusingly at Vaati and Shadow as his wrists were uncuffed.  
"Aw, Master!"

After being released from their chains, Vaati and Shadow were thrown without ceremony into seperate cells. The fortress was cold and dark, with gritty brick walls. The cells they were thrown into were no bigger than your average bedroom, with only a bench hanging from the wall to sleep on. They were in a large room, cut in half by said cells (two to a room). The cells were made of steel bars with a great enough distance of separation to pass food and drink through, but not enough for a person to slip through. The right and back walls were the walls of the room itself, whereas the left wall (where the cell was connected) was covered by a sheet of metal. The two mages were put into seperate rooms, so they could not talk to eachother. This annoyed Shadow, and worried Vaati greatly.  
"Are you sure Shadow Link will be alright?" he asked the disinterested Gerudo who was locking the door to his cell. "Do you promise to look after him?"  
"Hey, that's all down to Ganondorf's orders." the Gerudo replied. "Generally we will, though."  
Vaati sighed. Well, it was something.

He wondered how long it would take the brilliantly thick Ganondorf to unplait his hair.

-  
shadowlinkhotnes: Thanks for the review! That's the first review I've got on this site so far, thanks for making it a nice one =)  
I'm glad you agree with my depiction of Gannydork... however, I am loathe to tell you that Ghirahim's situation does not improve. Poor lackey!

Update: Harlem Shake?! Hrm... I cannot be bothered to right now, but really I should update this chapter every time a new dance craze comes out. I'm not very "with it" at all... (my favourite band is The Police and my favourite show is Friends. Don't cringe at my uncoolness!)  
... but would the current craze be "twerking" now? (This was written on 19/10/13, by the way. I can't see into the future or anything).  
Something to ponder on, methinks!


	5. Analytical Psychology

-  
Guys, a little note. Firstly, thank you all soooo much just for viewing this. I genuinely thought I wasn't going to get any views at all. But, hey; now that you've viewed, why don't you review? (Thank you to those who already have!) I'm not asking for a full blow- by- blow analysis. All I want is your honest opinion. I'll accept and acknowledge any critiscms, and I don't mind how short or long your review is. It would just really make me happy to see what you think ^_^ One last word; don't try flaming. Flames are for cowards, and they don't have any effect on me or my writing. I'm going to be much more likely to listen to you if you're reasonable.

Update: 25/10/13: Hey, I've been looking at this story's stats and have noticed something kind of strange. Views are pretty high UP UNTIL THIS CHAPTER. For this chapter ONLY they're lower, and then they rise again for the rest of the story! Is the chapter name putting people off, or something? Tut tut!  
-

Chapter Five: Carl Jung's School of Analytical Psychology (the full chapter name wouldn't fit in the box)

Life in the cells was predictably boring for the wind mage, who was used to using the terrifying power of wind to get his own way- his life, when he was not reluctantly obeying his master's stupid orders, was the epitome of freedom and whimsy. Ganondorf seemed to have forgotten all about their mission to liberate Death Mountain, and was enjoying his time as rightful leader of his tribe. Shadow was enjoying himself, however- he had always been mischievous, and would delight in teleporting in and out of the toilets (of course, there were only female toilets) to frenzied shrieks. He and Vaati would have to make several teleportations there every night to have wees. They would also have to take baths in the sinks, which was not a nice experience at the best of times.  
"I wonder if they have CCTV here...?" Shadow asked one night, scrubbing his armpits.  
"If they do, that's it for us." Vaati replied from the next sink.  
"Grannybooby would vouch for us, right?"  
"Doubt it. Shadow, you got any soap?"  
"Yeah, here."  
"Thanks."

They managed to dress and teleport back to their respective cells just as Risky was doing the night rounds. She quite enjoyed these rounds- the cool, serene desert night was infinitely better than the hot, frantic day. She strode around the fortress, swinging her lantern and humming shanties she had learnt from her time on the seas. Most of the cells were empty, and since she was allowed access to the keys, she would sometimes slip in and draw graffiti on the walls for fun. She had actually become quite an artist this way, and when she returned to sailing she planned to use her new- found skills and sell little paintings of the sea for a fiver each. As well as terrorizing everyone she came across, of course.  
(A/N: Sorry, I have to say this. Bit of useless information for you- graffiti is actually derived from Italian, and thus is the plural because in Italian, anything ending in -i is generally two or more. The singular for graffiti is actually grafittO because of this rule. This also applies to the word panini, which is the plural of paninO. Interesting, huh?)  
She sauntered over to Shadow Link's block, and peeked in his cell. He was prostrate on the bench, snoring loudly and dramatically. "You're not asleep at all." she sighed, half- amused. "For Pete's sake."  
Shadow sat up, facade over. "What? But I even dribbled to make it authentic!"  
Risky smiled and slammed the door shut again.  
She made her way over to Vaati's cell. She reckoned he was related to Shadow- although their personalities couldn't have been more different, they both shared some obvious characteristics- namely red eyes, purple hair, and weirdly small feet. She was just glad Shadow didn't have the same purple skin as Vaa-  
She stopped dead. Purple hair, purple skin, red eyes... come to think of it, her and Vaati were awfully similar! Could he... be related to her? Had she inadvertently helped to capture and imprison her own animus?  
Spurred on by this awful thought, she quickened her stride to Vaati's block. Without even bothering to make her presence known, she unlocked the door with fumbling fingers and pushed it open. She was surprised to see the mage was still awake, sitting up straight with his legs crossed and hands in his lap. His eyes were closed as he commanded a tornado in Kakariko to dump a chicken through that infuriating Guru- Guru's window.  
"...Vaati?" she asked. His eyes snapped open and he fixed her with his usual expressionless stare. "Uh, hi..."  
"Hello. Doing the night rounds?"  
"Um, yeah... Can I come in and talk?"  
"Well, it's your decision. After all, YOU are the prison warden."  
Risky took this as a yes, and entered the cell. She closed the door behind her, and shifted uncomfortably on the spot as she thought of what to say. It was a relief when Vaati broke the silence- with the same topic she had been wondering how to introduce.  
"We look terribly similar, don't we?"  
"Yes!" she gasped in relief. "Yeah, we do. I was just wondering if we were related, actually!"  
Vaati raised an eyebrow, tracing the brickwork boredly with his finger. Risky noticed that he had done a detailed reproduction of the works of Rembrandt and Picasso with a piece of slate from the floor. "Hey, um... that's coincidental. I study those artists a lot..."  
"What, Rembrandt and Picasso? Yes... I can remember having a dream about looking exactly like you. And I was studying these two paintings-" he waved dismissively towards the wall- "intently while on a ship... in the middle of a stormy sea... I'm quite unnerved about that, to be honest."  
This knocked the once unflappable she- pirate for six. "Yes! How totally awesome! And I had a dream where I looked exactly like you, gender an' all, and I was in a prison cell drawing them!" She hesitated. "Hey... uh, do you read a lot of psychology?"  
Vaati gave her a dark look. "You are not seriously suggesting that we are animus and anima? I am merely your masculine form, and you my feminine? If that is the case, then surely one of us does not even exist. One of us is the figment of eachother's imagination, or indeed just an alternate version of the other. This may be a serious existential dilemma if it is true."  
"Buh- ah..."  
The mage chuckled and leaned back against the wall. "Now, now. Gather your thoughts and speak again."  
Risky took a moment to remember how to talk, and folded her arms. "Well, I bet I exist more than you! Nyaaaaah!"  
"Well, I don't particularly want to get into an argument about it. After all, that kind of psychology is far too deep for a ridiculous fanfic such as this."  
"Yeah, it is. I don't know what the author was thinking when she was looking through the "Decode Your Dreams" book in that gemstone shop in Cornwall. She didn't even take her computer on holiday, so it's amazing that she actually remembered it for a whole week! That's kinda creepy."  
"Her animus must be pretty nasty- looking." Risky grinned. "Haha, yeah... At least MY animus is pretty sexy..."  
She stepped closer to Vaati, loosening her bra a little. He neatly sidestepped her sudden attempt at a kiss, leaving her tongue stuck in a crack in the wall. He watched her pull it free for a couple of minutes, then chuckled. "I really don't think that would be a good idea, Risky. Procreation with brickwork is still in its infancy nowadays."  
"Blugga blug [CENSORED] sudda bla!"  
"Affirmative." Vaati replied, pulling her free. With a neat flick of his wrist, he sent her flying out of the cell. She hit the floor with a dull thump and bounced to the other side of the room. Vaati leaned against the railings casually.  
"I suppose you had better get going. I calculate you have approximately two hours of darkness left before dawn. I would suggest you continue with your rounds before the author realises we have been insulting her for the last few minutes and takes appropriate action."  
Risky glowered. She couldn't believe this guy- did he have no feelings? Even in such a sensitive situation, he still talked like he was writing an essay. "Fine. On your head be it when she kills both of us and this fanfic ends several pages too early!" she snapped, and flounced out of the block. In her anger, she forgot to lock the door.

Ganondorf was woken by the sound of stones being thrown against his window. He clambered out of bed groggily and wrenched it open, only to have a pebble hit him full on in the eye.  
"Vaati!" he hissed, recognising the figure standing outside. "How the heck did you escape?!"  
"We have a mission to be getting on with, Master! We can't waste any more time!" came the response.  
"Blow the mission, I'm having the time of my life here! The Shiroi can win this stupid w-"  
The next thing he knew, he was being dragged by the hair across the gritty sands by an irate Vaati.

Shadow Link, having finally drifted off to sleep, was awoken again by a loud banging on the door.  
"Risky, I WAS actually sleeping!" he yelled groggily.  
"It's Vaati!" came a familiar voice from outside. Shadow swore and fell off the bench.  
"Master?! How did ya get out of the cell?! I thought the loos were the only places without anti- teleportation spells!"  
"Risky left the door open. Hang in there, Shadow, we're coming in."  
Shadow heard Ganondorf's voice- "Hang on- WE?! What are you doing?! YAAAAAAH! PUT ME DOWN!"  
He was forced to leap out of the way as Vaati charged through the door with an enormous crash, using Ganondorf as a battering ram. Bits of the lock mechanism flew everywhere and bounced off the walls as he stared in shock.  
"Woah, I never knew Ganon's head was so hard...!" he whispered to himself. Vaati hoisted the now- unconscious King Of Evil up onto his shoulder and grinned to himself, self- satisfied. Wow, he could be clever at times.  
"Master, stop congratulatin' yaself. That bang probably woke up the guard at Hyrule Castle." Shadow said.  
"Nah, they're too busy preparing themselves for "the ominous threat of evil" that's coming. Princess Zelda has had another prophetic dream again, so that's bye bye to any life outside their job for another year. Anyway, let's be leaving before anyone here catches us. There are horses up the top end."  
The three made their way out of the fortress as stealthily as they could (despite Vaati getting his abnormally long hair caught in the door, Shadow tripping over his own feet and falling down three flights of stairs, and Ganondorf burbling deliriously).  
They approached the paddock cautiously, hearing the snores of the sleeping horses. "I didn't even know horses snored..." Shadow whispered. "Author's fault. Creative license, see." Vaati replied.  
"On nature?!"  
"I assume so. Hey, what's happened to Ganondorf's face?"  
"It's turned into his bum!" Shadow giggled.  
Vaati sighed. "Whoever the author is, tell them that's just childish."

The author raised her eyebrows and typed a couple more lines into her computer.

"Hey, what's that sound?" Shadow asked, senses suddenly alert.  
"It sounds like an ominous roar..." Vaati observed.  
The two turned round in sync to come face to face with a gargantuan dragon, twice the size of Hyrule Castle and as ugly as it was in the 8- bit days. It was your typical clich fairytale monster, with a snake- like body decorated with strong wings that could sweep a village to the ground, and spearpoint teeth that sparkled in the moonlight. It reared up with another hideous bellow, and with one fiery blast proceeded to torch the fortress to the ground.  
Searing heat blew across the desert sands, flames fanned by the storm that was brewing. They flickered and twisted miles into the air, a hideous and yet somehow captivating sight. Vaati and Shadow could do nought but watch, entranced by their beauty. Although they were Kuroi, and had rendered much of Hyrule uninhabitable via the power of flame, they had never once seen it close up. As they watched-

The author got bored of writing descriptive prose and decided to resume her usual style of writing.

"Maybe we should get the heck outta here..." Shadow muttered. Vaati, snapping back to his senses again, silently agreed. Grabbing the boy's hand, he sprinted across the burning sands to the wooden paddock. The flames ominously licked at it as he blasted the lock open, causing a horse to bolt out in terror as the others pounded against the doors and pooed themselves audibly. He grabbed the nearest horse by the reins and, in a motion that would not have looked out of place if Link had done it, swung himself on single- handedly and seized its neck. He managed to regain control of the beast and forced it to gallop at top speed out of the doomed place.  
Shadow clung on to his waist, claws digging into his skin. "Master, what'll happen to the fortress?" he asked in worry.  
"The whole valley will be gone by tomorrow. Good riddance too." Vaati replied. "Hold Ganondorf for me, will you?"  
As Shadow slid the King Of Evil off Vaati's shoulder, he was relieved to note that his face had now returned to normal. Apparently the author had decided the three had suffered enough. "Actually, he looked better when he was a bum." Shadow said to himself, and hoisted his master's master up onto his shoulder.  
The scene that would have come next- the trio galloping off into the sunrise- would have been a beautiful scene if drawn and put to some classical music, but unfortunately the horse decided to stop and take a dump first. This somewhat marred the moment, and so I shall continue to the next section of the story and hope that another Zelda- esque moment occurs sometime soon.

The days were getting shorter now, and there was a definite nip in the air as Vaati slowed the horse to a trot. They had been travelling via horseback for just over an hour now, crossing the vast terrain of Hyrule Field, and needless to say he felt as though he would never be able to sit down again.  
He stopped the horse outside Lon Lon Ranch, wondering if the owner- a pleasant, middle- aged man named Talon- would allow them to stay for the night. He was a Shiroi, but usually he was so drunk out of his mind he didn't even notice. His daughter, Malon, was a juvenile deliquent who was always out at dodgy parties in Castle Town until the small hours. Many people assumed it was down to a lack of a female role model, as Malon's mother- Halon- had been killed when Link ran her over with his train. It was a rather dysfunctional family, to say the least, but it meant that nobody in it cared if a group of Kuroi necromancers with sore backsides (well, two of them anyway) stayed the night.  
Vaati tied the horse to the gate using his belt and knocked on the door. As usual, it was opened by a blind- drunk Talon.  
"Farty, my old buddy, my pal, my frieeeennnnddddd!" he shouted, collapsing onto Vaati in a bear- hug. Vaati awkwardly patted him on the back and gently pushed him away, causing him to fall backwards onto a pile of fine crockery.  
The crash succeeded in waking up Ganondorf, who looked around him in utter confusion.  
"Blubber blubber... What a hideous dream I just had!" he murmured, and promptly fell asleep.  
Vaati stepped over the doorway nervously. "Uh, Talon... would you mind awfully if we rested here for a while? We've been awake for most of the night for various reasons, and could really do with a nap." "You go on ahead, my boy. Make yourselves at hooooommmmmeeeee!" the farmer sang from the floor in between hiccups.  
The three of them made their way upstairs to a drunken rendition of "Consider Yourself" from Oliver. "Oh, sweet Hylia." Shadow wailed, throwing Ganondorf onto Malon's bed. "Why is there only one bed?!"  
"I'll sleep on the floor." Vaati said, enjoying the feeling of self- pity this gave him. "I shall pull Ganondorf over me to keep myself warm... I shall sacrifice my already shattered body to the splinters... I shall let myself be devoured alive by the lifeforms that breed here! ... While you, sweet Shadow, sleep in peace, mindful of my tragic sacrifice. May you- Hey! I was still talking!"  
His words fell on deaf ears. Shadow was already asleep.

-  
Thus, we end a worryingly intellectual chapter with a worryingly intellectual joke.  
Q: Why does Karl Marx only drink Tesco's Own- Brand tea?  
A: Because proper tea is theft.  
Fear not, things will return to their usual asinine ways next chapter.

shadowlinkhotnes: Once again, thank you for taking the time to review my work. I'm so glad you're finding it entertaining. The notion of Ganny in plaits was irresistible! Aaaaand now I have humiliated him AGAIN by turning his face into a bottom. Things are going to get steadily more childish, methinks =)

GhiGhi2857: Mighty GirlyGanondorf? Heh heh, are you implying Ganny should have a gender swap? That I'd like to see, if I can get around to it. When I saw the start of your review, I thought you had gone a little insane and was just typing random capitals. Thanks for the following (thankfully more coherent) review!


	6. The Incredible Vanity Of Prince Ralis

Chapter Six: The Incredible Vanity of Prince Ralis

Ganondorf finally came around about midday, just as Vaati (who had got so many splinters from the floor he had simply crawled into Shadow's bed anyway) fell into REM sleep. Looking around him, the King Of Evil tried to recall the events that had led him here, but drew a blank again and again. Cursing his memory (well, he couldn't help it. He had been unconscious!), he shook Vaati awake viciously.  
The mage leapt up, hat askew and cloak tangled around him. He blinked once, twice in the sunlight filtering uncomfortably in through the window. Ganondorf leaned over him.  
"AAAAYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! MONSTERRRRRR!"  
Shadow leapt up. "Who? Whuzzat? Where?"  
Registering Vaati's scream and seeing a giant, hulking mass bending over him, he automatically raised his arm and sent a powerful blast of magic towards the figure. It blasted into the wall, knocking down several portraits and sliding down it like one of those annoying birds that crashes into your car windscreen on the A470.  
Vaati, just getting his senses back, gulped nervously as he realised that it was actually his master, and not some evil being, that had been bending over him. He got out of bed and cautiously tapped Ganondorf on the shoulder.  
"Master? Are you unconscious again?"  
"No, I'm not. And whoever threw that spell can go and scrub the decks." Ganondorf muttered.  
Shadow frowned. "Huh? We ain't on no ship!"  
"We are NOT on ANY ship." Vaati corrected him. "Double negative, Shadow."  
"Whaaaa?"  
Ganondorf pulled himself to his feet unsteadily. "Shut up, you two. One of you had better explain how the hell we got here."  
After a quick game of Rock, Paper, Scissors (best of 3), Vaati won the deciding match. This meant that the onerous task of explaining their situation to the dim- witted Ganondorf went to Shadow.  
"Remember, baby talk." Vaati whispered, and he went downstairs to fix himself a late breakfast.  
Shadow gulped. This was going to be hard.

When Vaati came back upstairs after a breakfast of toast and Lon Lon Milk, he was surprised and more than impressed to find Ganondorf completely aware of what had happened- and, even better, he understood everything. He put it down to some kind of intelligence spell Shadow must have cast, and decided the time had come to move out.  
"Okay then, guys, we had better get to Death Mountain. It's just across Hyrule Field, to the north, and through Kakariko Village via the aptly named Death Mountain trail. Do you agree with me, Master Ganondorf?"  
Ganon nodded. "Yeah, what you said. Duhhh." Obviously the spell was short- lived.  
Shadow slung the travel bags over his shoulder and the group made the effort to tidy up the bedroom, before trooping out of the house. Of course, they nabbed a few things from the cupboard- namely food and a pretty mug Ganondorf liked- and then untied the horse they had fastened outside last night.  
With the extra weight of Ganondorf now squarely plonked upon it, instead of being balanced evenly on Shadow and Vaati's shoulders, the horse had a bit of trouble setting off. It was only when Shadow came up with the bright idea of setting its tail on fire that it finally moved.  
As they galloped delicately across Hyrule Field (ha ha, sarcasm), Ganondorf allowed Vaati to sit on his shoulders and act as lookout. Vaati took on this job with relish (ha ha ha, sarcasm) and perched upon his master. He suddenly whipped round.  
"Shadow Link! Any reason why you're looking up my tunic?"  
"Sorry, Master. I don't actually know whether you're male or female."  
"Wha-?"  
Vaati's exclamation was cut short as the horse, having come across Zora's River, dug its hooves into the ground and stopped sharply. The three of them promptly flew head- over- heels 20 metres through the air and landed with a large splash in the river. Ganondorf, through merely landing, killed off three Zoras.  
Vaati and Shadow crawled onto land, dripping and shivering. Ganondorf remained in the water, thrashing around and screaming.  
"What a wuss." Shadow muttered to Vaati.  
"Shall we leave him there?" his master replied in a low voice.  
Shadow nodded.  
Unfortunately, at that precise moment a giant owl swooped down and whipped Ganondorf out of the water. It hovered ominously above the two Kuroi on the ground, its shadow casting a slash across the field as the King Of Evil struggled in its steely grip.  
"Kaepora Gaebora?!" Ganondorf yelled, twisting around to get a good look. "Aren't you Shiroi?"  
"Naah, it was too boring. Just waiting, day after day, for Link to run up to me and look at me with those big eyes... So damn corny! And always expecting me to bloody give him directions to the nearest METRE... He wouldn't even thank me! The boy is bloody mute! So, yeah, I've crossed over to the dark side. You guys are a lot more vocal." He glanced at Vaati. "And a lot more androgynous. Seriously, listen to what the Internet's saying, Vaats. Nobody has a bloody clue."  
With that, he dropped Ganondorf without ceremony onto the riverbank and flew off.  
"Well, he couldn't really stay Shiroi with THAT language, could he...?" Shadow mused. Vaati looked slightly hurt. "Does anybody here know my gender?"  
Ganondorf and Shadow looked at eachother.  
"Nope." "Not a clue."  
"We just reckoned you were male by default. Why, are you female?"  
Vaati seemed to consider this. "Well, I'm technically a Picori. So I don't actually have a gender."  
(A/N: In my works, the Minish don't have genders due to a gag scene in my manga that ran and ran. Apologies!)  
"You do now." Shadow pointed out. Vaati gave him a withering glare.  
"Thank you for reminding me, Shadow Link. I am sure I would have quickly forgotten otherwise. Anyway... I'm not too sure of my gender myself. Us Picori did HAVE lessons on how to sex humans, of course, but... uh, I was too busy working out quantum theory to listen. And then the humans went and took my idea! See what I'm up against?!"  
"So... you don't know OUR genders either."  
"No idea. And I don't WANT to know how to sex humans now, either. Call it blissful ignorance, if you will. By the by... where are we?" The three looked around. They failed to notice the steps neatly cut into the mountain, curving up into the great beyond. (A/N: I made exactly the same mistake on my first playthrough of Ocarina Of Time. I spent about a week panicking that I had got a rouge copy of the game where Death Mountain didn't exist! Haha!) All they saw was the Zora's River, stretching underneath a vast rock face that hid the waterfall under it in shadows. They walked over to it and peered over the edge cautiously. Below, a frozen wasteland met their eyes, dotted here and there with flat islands of rock upon which small groups of Zoras huddled. Around the ice pool, a path of grainy, crystal- infused rock wound its way around the domain. Stalactites hung precariously from the ceiling, and some had even fused with the path after millions of years of being left undisturbed. There were little hollows like doors cut into the walls which the path connected to. Inside, faint glows could be seen emanating from them, presumably from fire in a desperate attempt to melt the ice without harming the Zoras for which it was now home. They were like mini furnaces, but to no effect. There was a large set of stairs delicately carved into the path at the far end, lit by two torches at the foot of the first step and leading up into the wall. "Oh my goodness." Shadow breathed. "They really went all out with the interior decor here, no?" Vaati noticed the tinsel hanging from the walls. "They reckon it's Christmas since everything's frozen. The fools."  
Ganondorf let out a large, self- satisfied bellow of evil laughter. "Moo ha ha! This pathetic race has not a clue! It is I, the great and really hunky Ganondorf, who has confined your domain to this ice- encrusted shell! MOOOO ha ha!"  
"Did he grow up on Lon Lon Ranch?" Shadow asked himself. Ganondorf heard, and his face twisted into a snarl.  
"Fine! If you want to insult my evil laugh, peasant... THEN DIE!"  
With that, he reached out a hand and smartly pushed Shadow over the edge. Vaati shrieked girlishly and leapt forward to save him, but found himself snatching at thin air. He swore loudly and whipped around to face his master.  
"That- was- CRUEL!" he hissed. "Do you have no sense of morality?! Those Zoras will be cleaning Shadow guts up off the ice for weeks!"  
Ganondorf made a half- hearted attempt at a fake sob. "Poor Vaati! Your poor little son, mangled on the floor!" He grinned viciously. "Well, if you like him that much, jump down and save hi- WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"  
He was cut off mid- sentence by a sharp kick to the backside, courtesy of the wind mage. He promptly staggered dramatically and fell over the edge, after making time to blow a rude raspberry at his long- suffering minion.  
Vaati stood at the edge of the drop and watched him fall. He wondered absentmindedly where Shadow had gone- had a bottomless pit opened up in the ice or something? Was Gannydork going to go the same way? (He hoped so).  
There was a female yell in a foreign language, and Risky shot out of thin air to catch Ganondorf neatly in both arms, tripping and skidding across the ice as she did so. She also had Shadow under her armpit, and he didn't look best pleased.  
Vaati couldn't help himself. "Risky, what the hell?!" he called down.  
Risky looked up, and saw him. Her eyes narrowed to slits and she promptly dropped both of his travelling "companions". She marched over to the bottom of the drop, and called up.  
"Oh hey there, Ribena-"  
"DON'T CALL ME RIBENA!"  
"Well, you look pretty purple to me. Anyway, since you've practically BROKEN MY HEART-"  
"How can I break a cardiovascular organ? It's inside you!"  
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME! -What I've decided to do is merely SEAL you in here! This whole domain represents your FROZEN HEART! I hope you enjoy your tomb, you freak!" she screamed up, and teleported in a hail of sequins. Vaati looked behind his shoulder to see a massive gate suddenly appear behind him, and slam shut onto the ice. The surface did not crack at all, merely splintered at his feet as he stared in incredulous anger.  
Shadow called up to him. "Way ta go, Master! But whadda we gonna do now?"  
Vaati did not turn round. He seemed rooted to the spot, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I... don't know. But Risky is going to GET IT when we escape!"  
He gasped as he felt a hand grab the back of his tunic and wrench him off his feet, pulling him backwards and thrusting him with a loud crash onto the ice far below. He lay there for a minute, winded. He sincerely hoped that wasn't Dead Hand from Kakariko Well making a return. Old Deady was a valuable asset to the Kuroi, but got mistaken for the Shiroi girl who was constantly stuck down the toilet (the hand from Majora's Mask and Skyward Sword) so much, they had had no choice but to let him go.  
It was only when he felt his backside beginning to freeze to the floor did he finally get up. He turned to Ganondorf. "What the hell was that?"  
"It was me. I forgot to tell you I have a super- bendy hookshot, didn't I?" Ganondorf announced proudly, whipping it out and thrusting it at Vaati. "Want a go?"  
"I don't see how that could possibly aid us..."  
There was a slight PSH- PSHing noise as a Zora walked over to them. The creature stood regarding the two sorcerers arguing over the use of a hookshot in a place with completely impenetrable surfaces. It was Shadow that noticed it first.  
"[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] what the [CENSORED]?!" he shrieked, leaping about a foot in the air. Vaati noticed it too, and calmly explained what it was.  
"A Zora is an aqueous creature, somewhat anthropomorphic in appearance." (A/N: Give me kudos for knowing how to spell "anthropomorphic" off the top of my head. Ka- POW!) "They are a generally a peaceful race, although those who inhabit the rivers or locations near to the rivers such as these tend to have Kuroi tendencies."  
"Explain that again, Ribena, IN HYLIAN." Ganondorf growled.  
"Zora is swimmy- swim bad guy. Looks like you."  
Ganondorf regarded it for a second. "It doesn't look in the slightest like me! I'm the hunkiest Zelda character alive! Look at it- that thing is made of flab!" He poked the Zora's flat stomach, blowing a loud raspberry in its face.

It turns out that that particular Zora was the prince of his race (Prince Ralis from Twilight Princess) and had something of a high opinion of himself. This meant that the three once again ended up thrown in prison cells. Or, to be more precise, A prison cell. The iron bars clanged shut before them as the guards slammed the door across. A locking mechanism clicked into place and sealed them there.  
"Oh, sweet mother of Hylia! We've only just got outta the last one!" Shadow wailed.  
Ganondorf got up and rattled the bars furtively. "Hey, guys! I'll give you loads of Rupees if you let us out!"  
A guard poked his head back around the corner. "Specify a number."  
"What? VAATI!"  
"How much, Master." Vaati sighed.  
"Uhhhh..." Ganondorf counted on his fingers. Eventually his dim face lit up in a smile. "Twenty- teen!"  
"Master, that's not a number." Vaati whispered. "It is now!" Ganon shot back. He turned back to the guard. "Well?"  
"Until you learn to count, you're staying in there." came the reply. Ganondorf turned round so his backside was facing the guard and promptly broke wind over him to signify his displeasure.

Far, far away, Wario smiled. He should really sign this one up.

-  
Heads up! If you visit my profile page, you will see details of my latest fic! (I'm just trying to get more profile views, I'm shameless). It's one about everyone's favourite David Bowie lookalike, Ghirahim, and his worst assignment yet. I haven't decided what characters I'm going to put in this one yet, I'm just writing it as I go along. Anyway, it's called Ghirahim's Raw Deal, or A Bad Time To Go To Skyloft. (Full title). Please, if you can, take a look! I'm updating VERY slowly, though, but Chapter 2 should be up by Saturday.

Oh, and tut tut! No reviews, yet a MASSIVE surge in views! I must say, thank you lot for viewing so much, even if you don't have so much to say! ^_^ - 


	7. Evil Villains Have Swell Apartments!

-  
Just to say, THANK YOU to Shadow Rinato who favourited/ followed this story! It's support from people like you that keep me writing! Thank you very much! =)

Aaaanyway, you may have to forgive me. I will probably be updated much slower after this because, DOOM DOOM DOOM, school/GCSE commitments are getting in my way. I swear I may be dead from overwork pretty soon =(  
Anyway, should you wish to know more about my dire situation, there are more details on my profile. Please, don't laugh at my misfortune!  
-

Chapter Seven: Evil Villains Have Swell Apartments!

To say it was uncomfortable that night was to make an understatement so huge that even his friend Understatement Of The Century is secretly jealous of him. The cell had actually been built to hold the ChuChus that had inexplicably plagued Zora's Domain after Link spilt a bottle of Chu Goo all over the place. Up until that ugly moment, nobody had actually known how ChuChus reproduced. That changed very quickly, and since then the Zoras had tried every preventative measure possible to no effect- until one day, a salesman named Tingle visited the domain. The ChuChus were quickly frightened into submission by this terrifying new enemy, and promptly shrivelled on sight of him. Since then, no ChuChus had ever been seen there again.  
Unfortunately, this lengthy backstory revealed that the cell they were in was VERY SMALL INDEED. Since ChuChus were so gelatinous, they could be squashed into as tiny a space as anyone wished. And this cell was definitely too small to be holding humans As it happened, the only way the three could fit in there without dying of asphyxiation was to all sleep on top of eachother. This resulted in a human sandwich. The logical order should have been heaviest to lightest- therefore, Ganondorf at the bottom, Vaati in the middle, and Shadow at the top. However, since Ganondorf's overinflated ego dictated that he should ALWAYS be on top of EVERYTHING no matter what the situation, this meant the order read as thus: Vaati, Shadow, Ganondorf.  
"Master, you're crushing my ribs..." Vaati gasped.  
"Oh, take it like a man!" came the reply.  
"...If you ARE a man." Shadow dropped in.  
(A/N: Dawwww, unnecessary quotations).

After Shadow had been strangled, the three settled down for an uncomfortable night's sleep. Ganondorf rolled over in the night and landed with a loud thud on the floor, much to Shadow's relief who promptly did the same. Vaati was left on his own, thankful that the enormous weight pressing down upon him was vanished. He took off his cape and used it as a blanket, until...  
BRIIIIIIING! BRIIIIIIIING! BRII-  
"Goddammit! Veran!" Vaati snapped, snatching up his phone from inside his pocket and looking at the number. He quickly answered the call.  
"Vee, this is NOT a good time." he whispered. "We've got arrested for the third time since we set off and it's 3am here. What's up?"  
"Just calling to say that some race calling themselves the Kikwi broke into the HQ and stole the Dark Mirror. They've taken it to one of the Links, I think. Nothing major."  
"Sure, alright then. 'Night."  
Vaati cut the call and went to put it back in his cloak's inside pocket. Then he froze.  
"OH [CENSORED]!"

To cut a long story short, after Vaati's frantic awakening the three stayed up all night planning how to escape as quickly as possible.  
"We could dig our way out with spoons!" Ganondorf suggested.  
Vaati glared at him. "We don't have spoons!"  
"Couldn't we summon them?"  
"Summoning cutlery is seriously advanced magic! It'd drain us of the little power we have left!"  
Shadow piped up. "Could we blast our way out?"  
"No, they've put a barrier around the cell. It'd just reflect it back at us."  
Ganondorf groaned, head in hands. "Oh, the Kikwi have got the Mirror! What on earth could they want it for?!"  
"TO SMASH, YOU THICK LUMBERING MASS OF FAT!" Vaati screamed, beside himself with panic. "WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK? TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES?! THEY'RE SHIROI! SHIROI, GET USED TO THE WORD!"  
Ganondorf scratched his head. "If they smash the Mirror, though, you and Shadow will die.  
...That's bad, right?"  
Vaati would have burst into tears right there and then if there hadn't been an almighty crash from outside the domain. A large crack appeared in the ceiling, which quickly spread across the entire area and down the walls. Echoing around the room, there came a mighty, disembodied voice from outside as if it were the voice of God.  
"Behold my fabulousness! Marvel at my brilliance! For I am none other than- GHIRAHIM!"  
With that last word, the slender white figure of the sword spirit morphed through the wall and swung around in a flamboyant dance in mid- air. He finished in an arabesque pose, fingers pointing to the sky, when he happened to look down and see not only the groups of Zoras watching with open mouths, but also his three superiors gesturing wildly to him from their cell. Being rather quick, he realised what had happened and zapped a glowing ball of electrical light at the walls. It hit with a violent CRACKKKK and the cell split open, crumbling and crashing around them.  
Ganondorf was first to scramble out of the wreckage. "GHIRAHIM! What are you doing up at this time of night?"  
Shadow pushed him aside. "GHIRAHIM! Get me a chamberpot, I need to pee!"  
Vaati barged Shadow and Ganondorf aside. "GHIRAHIM! Thank Demise you're here!"  
The sword spirit lowered himself to the ground and performed an elaborate bow. "I thank Lord Demise I am here every day, Master." he said in a low voice.  
"Ghi, ya saved us!" Shadow sang. "Nice goin'!"  
"So, where are you three headed? I can teleport you there." Ghirahim announced, proud to be of service.  
"Death Mountain, in order to liberate it from the Gerudo." Vaati said quickly before Ganondorf could get a word in. Knowing the King Of Evil, he'd probably get them all lost or something. Ghirahim nodded. "Your wish is my command. Hold hands and close your eyes...!"

Five seconds later-  
"OH SWEET MOTHER OF HYLIA SHADOW GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAAAAY-!"  
Shadow Link shrieked and rolled to the side (for some reason he was lying on the floor) as a bus roared past, shooting straight over where he had been lying seconds before. It kicked up a pile of tarmac that coated him and left him coughing.  
"Where the [CENSORED] are we now?" Ganondorf yelled, picking himself up.  
Vaati pulled himself to his feet as well and looked around. "Oh, sh- ships." he added quickly, seeing Shadow looking at him expectantly.  
Ganondorf whirled round to point to an immense cylindrical structure towering above them. "What does it say? I can't read it." he moaned.  
"It reads "Millennium Stadium", Master. We've ended up in an alternate dimension!"  
The King Of Evil let this sink in for a second.  
It was a very long second.  
That soon ran into a minute.  
That soon ran into ten minutes.  
"...Duhhhh. I don't get it." Vaati could have screamed the place down then, but instead merely take a deep breath and let Shadow do the frustrated howling instead.  
Ganondorf shushed Shadow impatiently. "Shush, I'm thinking!"  
"Nothing new, then, Master." Vaati hissed. The wind mage found himself being picked up by the collar and thrust over the white railings that separated the place they were standing from the deep- looking river flowing rapidly through the city centre. Ganondorf snapped in his ear. "Believe me, I'm quickly losing patience too. I wish-"  
"Excuse me! Put that man down NOW!" a voice came from next to him. Ganon swore and dropped Vaati straight onto the railings. He whirled round to come face to face with a large policeman with a hat a little too large for his head.  
"And who are YOU to tell the King Of Darkness who to put down?" he snapped.  
The policeman glared. "I am responsible for the upkeep of law in the city of Cardiff. If you're not careful, I'll have to arrest you for disorderly conduct- as well as being aggressive towards a member of the public. What on earth were you doing?"  
Vaati spoke from his position bent double over the railings. "It's okay, your policeness. I allow him to do this to me. He's my master."  
The policeman shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to be treated like this. That is a completely unacceptable way to treat any member of the public. Are you two from around here?"  
Shadow spoke up. "Nah, we're from the glorious land of Hyrule, currently in the middle of one HELL of a war! Wanna hear details?"  
The copper could do nothing but stare in confusion. "I've... never heard of Hyrule. I don't even think that's a place, mate. Listen, I think you might be drunk. You're dressed pretty strangely as well. Cosplaying, are we?"  
"Cos? Playing? Cos is a lettuce, isn't it?" Vaati mused. Ganondorf clipped him and Shadow around the ear in one swift movement.  
"Let ME handle this!" he snapped. He turned to the copper and cleared his throat formally. "Actually, we're not playing with lettuce or anything like that. We've been teleported here from an alternate dimension, even though we told that IDIOT Ghirahim to take us to Death Mountain!"  
The policeman shook his head and sighed wearily, convinced he was once again encountering the nutters he frequently found wandering the streets on match day. He fiddled around with his belt and addressed them as a whole. "Listen, for now I'm going to give you a warning. I'm not going to arrest you this time because personally, I just think you've had a bit too much to drink. But I'm imposing a curfew on you- you have to leave this area now and not return for 24 hours. Wherever you're from, that's how the laws work around here. Do you understand?"  
Vaati, as usual, spoke up before Ganondorf could protest. "Yes, we understand. We shall vacate the vicinity immediately."  
Satisfied, the copper nodded. "Go, then. And don't let me see you here for a whole day!"  
The wind mage gripped his travelling companion's arms and teleported them quickly out of the area. They reappeared at a bus stop just down the road, just out of sight of the (now thoroughly bemused and contemplating retirement) cop. He pulled them to him and spoke in a low whisper.  
"Guys, we're going to really stand out here. Should we go shopping and- no, they don't take Rupees here... What should we do?"  
"Bed down for the night?" Shadow asked.  
Vaati and Ganondorf both glared at him. "You're jetlagged, Shadow. For some inexplicable reason." Vaati sighed. "It's the middle of the day here. I do suppose we should get a hotel room though..."  
The three were not greeted with your average reception, to nobody's surprise (except Ganondorf's). The general response was "Cosplayers?" or they were simply turned away. It wasn't helped by Ganondorf's obstinate manner or Shadow's sarcastic colloquialisms It was only Vaati that was the redeeming feature of the group, but because of his unusual colouring many people assumed he had some deadly disease and shooed the group out of their hotel or bedsit with a disinfectant bottle for good measure. They ended up trooping the streets knocking on doors asking if they would "mind terribly if you would support us on our quest by giving us a place to sleep for the night?" Needless to say, the answer wasn't even NO. It was usually just a slamming door, or in some cases things were thrown. The three wandered sadly down the street- Ganondorf angry, Shadow fed up, and Vaati disillusioned.  
"I thought they were nicer than this in Wales." he muttered.  
"Well, you should've done more research!" Ganon snapped.  
"Shut up the [CENSORED] both of you!" Shadow yelled.  
The sun was setting and casting orange streaks across the sky, and the streets were almost empty. They eventually found a small hovel by the river to sleep, just north from a circus gym called No Fit State. Vaati noted wryly that this was probably the best description for the group at that moment.  
Shadow ripped up some grass and scattered it over himself in a futile attempt at a blanket. Right on cue, Ganondorf sneezed and blew it all off him.  
"Oh for the love of Hylia, Master, don't tell me you have hayfever..." Vaati groaned.  
Ganondorf nodded and wiped his nose with a loud snort. "Could I sleep on the road instead? There's less pollen there, right?"  
"Go ahead." Shadow Link interjected quickly.

Once again, the three were cursed by the misfortune of barely no sleep. Whether it was the fact that the temperatures at night dropped quickly below zero, or Ganondorf shrieking every time a vehicle went past, by the time morning came neither of them could even lift their eyelids. The sun filtered blearily over them through the morning mist, and even though it was not brighter than a dim candle this early in the morning they still could only shield their eyes from it.  
Shadow rested his head on Vaati's chest and groaned loudly.  
"It CANNOT be mornin' already. I swear it was only just gettin' dark, right?"  
Vaati absentmindedly toyed with Shadow's hair as he forced his mind to reawaken. "'Fraid not. It looks like we're on the road again until we can open the portal back to Hyrule."  
Shadow wailed in despair. "[CENSORED] Ghirahim! What the hell was wrong with him?! Did he DELIBERATELY do that, or somethin'?"  
As if on cue, a digital shower of red and black diamonds showered down upon them. Ghirahim appeared from thin air, a self- satisfied smirk on his face and carrying several Queen Street shopping bags. He stopped in front of the three mages, and his grin faded somewhat. There was a hostile silence as he, Ganondorf, Vaati, and Shadow were engaged in a stareoff- it was three against one, and he knew it was rather one- sided. Outnumbered, his shoulders slumped and he shrugged nonchalantly.  
"Amazing bargains here, no?" he asked, in way of conversation before one of the three massacred him. Shadow and Ganondorf looked about ready to, whereas Vaati- well, Vaati had his usual deadpan look on his face. It was, as always, impossible to tell what he was thinking or feeling, but Ghi was pretty certain that he was sharing the same emotions as his partners in crime right now. His friendly, somewhat rhetorical question was met with an even more tense silence. "Okay then, maybe you don't share the same enthusiasm as me... But it's really good, honest!"  
Vaati was the first to speak, in his usual expressionless voice. "Ghirahim- we told you to take us to Death Mountain. Specifically."  
"I... kind of decided to stop off here first. I've been searching all over for you!"  
"We've been searching all over trying to find a place to sleep. Like common homeless people!" Ganondorf spat, and if he hadn't jumped to his feet pointing an accusing finger just then he would have come to an ugly demise under the wheels of a passing truck.  
Ghirahim gulped. "Well, sure I can teleport you to Death Mountain NOW. Just let me get all this stuff back to my apartment..."

One quick teleport later, and the three waited impatiently as Ghirahim arranged all his newly- bought items carefully around his apartment room. They had been surprised to learn that the Demon Lord had an apartment in Cardiff in the first place- "Oh yeah, had it for ages. Demise rented it for me."- but they then had the misfortune to learn that he was terribly house- proud. He spent ages contemplating the position of a lamp on the sideboard, before moving it to the left an inch. He stepped back, tilting his head to the side in deep thought. The lamp moved right an inch.  
Left half an inch.  
Left quarter of an inch.  
Right three- quarters of an inch.  
Left-  
"OH FOR DIN'S SAKE, JUST LET ME DO IT!" Shadow yelled, and shoved the lamp a metre to the left. He angrily shot a sticking spell at it, causing it to be fastened perpetually to the sideboard.  
(Many thousands of years later, archaeologists would dig this up still attached to the furniture. It would baffle them for the rest of time.)  
Ghirahim looked miserable, but let it pass. In revenge, however, he spent another quarter of an hour organising his bookshelf into alphabetical order. By this time, Ganondorf had fallen asleep again, Shadow was pacing the room and threatening to blast the entire city into oblivion, and Vaati was leaning out of the window looking deadpan and shooting seagulls on the streets below. The sun was high up in the sky now, and although the temperature had not risen more than five degrees the vicinity was bathed in a deceptively warm- looking light. The sky was a clear blue, with not a cloud to spoil the view. (A/N: Hee! That rhymed! I'm so childish.) There was not a breath of wind to rustle the crisp packets in the gutter below- until Vaati boredly stirred up a cyclone that caused said crisp packets to go straight into some poor lady's face.  
Shadow flung himself down on the sofa and absentmindedly wondered what must be going on in Hyrule. He grinned as he wondered if they had fished poor Bellum out of the plughole yet-  
"Okay, everybodyyyyy! I'm DOOOOONE!" Ghirahim sang, doing an elaborate flourish with a duster. He promptly let go of it- whether deliberately or by accident, we shall never know- and it hit Ganondorf in the eye.

"BLAAAAAAUUUURGHHH[CENSORED][CENSORED][CENS-]"

Vaati slapped a hand over Ganondorf's mouth, clamping it shut. "Forget it Master. We are NOT having a repeat of the campfire incident." he hissed.  
Shadow groaned in disappointment. 


	8. Transdimensional Jaunts Via Radio Mast

Chapter Eight: Transdimensional Jaunts Via Radio Mast

Since the wi- fi signals in Cardiff were disrupting any chance they had of teleportation, the four decided to make their way out of town and into a less populated area. They strolled nonchalantly down the pavement, becoming somewhat immune to the puzzled looks they received. The breeze blew gently at their backs, and all in all it was a very pleasant journey- until they reached the middle of the street.  
Ghirahim stopped. "Hey, hang on, where are we?"  
"We're in the middle of the street." Ganondorf offered helpfully.  
"Yeah, but where do we need to go?"  
"We could take the shuttle service down to Cardiff Bay. There's a Capitol radio station by the Millennium Centre, and the airwaves there should actually speed us along a bit." Vaati suggested, studying a map pinned to a tourist information board. Since this was the only course of action that seemed intelligent (Ganondorf had suggested going to all the takeaways in town until they found a wishbone and wished themselves to Hyrule), the group set off with renewed enthusiasm. Following directions from Vaati, who was lucky enough to be reasonably proficient in English, they arrived at the train station with five minutes to spare until it arrived. They took their places in the shelter, addressing those around them with awkward nods and "Good morning"s. Nobody attempted to make conversation, and indeed many just looked away and buried their heads in the newspaper or their phones again. Being from a magical universe where science was almost nonexistent, the star- crossed travellers were intrigued by this technology. Shadow got battered over the head by an old lady's handbag after leaning over her shoulder to look at her phone (she thought he was trying to look down her top). Ganondorf attempted to venture onto the tracks, not understanding the signs that warned of imminent death if he touched the rails, and Ghirahim became convinced that the security cameras were Shiroi spy intelligence and shot one down with a well- aimed magic attack. Thus, it was down to Vaati to restrain the group and explain to them that what was the norm in Hyrule was not as widely accepted here, and GANONDORF GET OFF THE BLOODY TRACKS!  
Shadow snorted at the involuntary profanity as Vaati slapped a hand over his own mouth in embarrassment. By now they had attracted stares from all five people on the station- in fact, they had advanced from mere stares to annoyed frowns. Still, the Welsh being a tolerant lot, they said nothing and merely exchanged looks with raised eyebrows. The train was several minutes late (as was the norm in Valleys stations), which only increased the awkwardness factor.  
Shadow turned to the annoyed people. "Hey, listen. We're tryin' our best here, but we come from a damn long way away and we're having a bitta culture shock. Could ya be a bit more reasonable so we can all get along, huh?"  
Silence. Confused looks.  
"Shadow... that's Hylian." Vaati whispered. Shadow swore loudly in English, causing everyone to gasp in horror. Vaati sunk to his knees.  
"Shadow...!"  
"Whassup, Master? That was English, wasn't it?"  
"I didn't teach him." Ganondorf piped up, a bit too quickly.  
Just as the public looked ready to bind the four to a tree and gag them, the train made its belated entrance into the station. Ghirahim gasped in delight and danced over to the tracks to see it approach. He leaned a bit too far over, and the train hit him full force in the face.  
"[CENSORED] [CENSORED] British [CENSORED] Rail!" he shrieked. "My beautiful visage!"  
"Oh, for Din's sake, SHUT UP!" Vaati yelled at the three of them. Grabbing their arms (Shadow and Ghi's in one hand) he attempted to drag them onto the train and walked into the doors. "OH, WHAT ON EARTH HAS GONE WRONG NOW?!"  
The driver, who had been watching from his carriage in amusement, called down to them with a barely stifled laugh. "You push the button to open the doors, mate."  
"Push the button and let me know ya, baby..." Ganondorf sang as Shadow hammered the button enthusiastically. ("This is awesome!")  
They finally managed to step onto the train, although there was a brief moment of despair for Vaati again as Ghirahim had a panic attack when the doors closed behind him, trapping his cape. "Ghi, just leave your cape in the doors." Ganondorf hissed, wrenching his servant free. Ghirahim wailed despairingly.  
"But that was a present from MY DEAD NAN!"  
"You're a sword spirit. You don't have descendants." Vaati sighed.  
"Smarty pantaloons. Fine, but perhaps I had a dead nan in A PREVIOUS LIFE! Hurgh hurgh! Betcha didn't think of that, did ya! NUH UH!"  
They finally managed to find seats in amongst the oh- so- crowded (*cough* sarcasm *cough) carriage. Actually, they had it all to themselves. Ghirahim delighted in jumping on all the seats and slithering up and down the luggage rack. The ticket inspector happened to approach the carriage at that time, and looking through the glass partition on the door saw this sight:  
Shadow Link mooning everyone out of the window,  
Ghirahim moonwalking down the aisles,  
Ganondorf getting himself stuck in the (very small) toilet door,  
and Vaati trying to restore order.  
He turned away and walked down the aisle again- which was lucky for the four, as in their haste had completely forgotten to get tickets.

Vaati was only too glad when the train pulled up at the station. With a vicious wrench, he managed to pull Ganondorf out of the toilet and magically summoned both Ghi and Shadow to his side. "Shadow, I hope you weren't mooning." he said, raising an eyebrow.  
"'Course I flippin' wasn't! Ya shame me with the thought, Master!" Shadow replied, hastily pulling his tights up.  
They stepped out onto the platform, narrowly avoiding the doors closing on them. Once again they closed on Ghi's cape, and once again there was a minor Armageddon at the station as everyone attempted to pull it free.

They strolled down the street looking as nonchalant as they possibly could. Ganondorf attempted whistling, but the only whistle he knew was a wolf- whistle, which did not go down well with a passing builder who ran him over in a JCB. (A/N: Oh, the beauty of cheap laughs...)  
They had a bit of trouble at the crossings as well. Hyrule was still stuck in medieval times, which meant there were no roads or vehicles to speak of (except horse and cart.) Luckily, Vaati was well acquainted with human road crossing systems (nobody asked how) and managed to get them across relatively safely. It was hard to look nonchalant, however, when their long Hylian ears kept getting clipped by every passing wing mirror. They mostly staggered and swore across said crossings after a while- it was only Vaati that kept some vestige of dignity. This quickly disappeared, however, when he didn't notice the "STOP" sign, crossed the road, and was hit by Bradley Wiggins. "I say, what a high jinks this has been!" the cyclist sang in a British accent as he cycled off into a car. Ganondorf looked confused.  
"Vaati, why is that man's head rolling across the road?" he asked. "I thought wearing a helmet was safe!"  
"Must've been the wing mirror." Shadow muttered, looking as respectful as he possibly could before Vaati wrenched him out of the way of a truck.  
By this time, they had got well acquainted with the ridiculous amount of rush- hour traffic on Cardiff roads. It was even more of a culture shock, granted, but they had no choice but to take it in their stride. The Capitol transmitter rose up like a beacon of hope mere metres away, with only one last junction to cross. The four stood behind the STOP sign, poised like Olympic sprinters. "Okay, guys. We all ready?" Ghi said in a low voice. The others, too nervous to speak (except for Vaati, wearing his traditional deadpan look) nodded tensely.  
The amber light flashed.  
The sign changed to-  
Red.  
"WHAAAAAAAAT?!" Ghirahim wailed. Ganondorf broke wind loudly in displeasure, causing those behind him to step back a bit. Shadow swore even louder, causing those behind him to step back even further. Vaati looked deadpan. Those behind him stayed where they were in apprehension.  
Vaati looked deadpan.  
Vaati looked deadpan.  
Vaati looked deadpan.  
"IT'S GREEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" Ganondorf screamed in joy.  
"Green?! GREEN?! Where's that [CENSORED] Green Link?! I'LL KILL HIM!" Shadow roared. Vaati grabbed his hand and dragged him across.  
Ganondorf, in joy at reaching the other side, let rip an enormous bazooka of a fart that obliterated the crossing signs and caused even the wind mage to recoil.  
"Master, I hope you didn't follow through with that." Vaati groaned, not looking quite so deadpan anymore.  
Ghirahim studied the transmitter, feeling the cold metal beneath his fingers. He raised his eyebrows and sighed."Okay, guys, I think this is as good as it's going to get." He turned round, addressing the group with an air of finality. He spread his arms wide, letting his short red cloak flap dramatically in the wind. "Let us all hope we can return to Hyrule in one piece, and may-"  
He stopped abruptly as his cloak blew away in a rogue gust. It might have been from Ganondorf's bottom, it may have been from Vaati's power, it might have been from the weather- but it cut him off in mid- sentence. He turned on his heel and sprinted after it down the middle of the road, dodging various vehicles with surprising accuracy until Bradley Wiggins's ghost ran him over.  
Ganondorf faced the transmitter with his chest puffed out. Shadow and Vaati did the same, except Shadow slouched and Vaati looked as though he just wanted to get back to Hyrule RIGHT THAT MOMENT.  
"Okay, everybody- TELEPORT!" Ganondorf yelled. The three immediately spread their arms and disappeared.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Ganondorf farted.  
Shadow swore.  
Vaati looked deadpan.

"By the holy smokes of [CENSORED] Goddess [CENSORED] [CENSORED] Hylia [CENSORED]!" Shadow announced. "We're back in Hyrule! In one piece!... I assume. Is everybody here?"  
The three were lying on the ground, sprawled in various positions with arms and legs entangled. It had been an even faster journey than expected- interdimensional travel usually took half an hour at most. Vaati's theory about the Capitol radio waves had turned out to be correct. It had even been a safer journey than most. Not one body part from any of them had been left floating around in the gap between dimensions for other unlucky travellers to encounter- everything was present and accounted for. This was certainly a surprise to Vaati- he had been sure that after having his body shattered by the Four Sword umpteen times, that would've finished him. He couldn't help but admit to himself he was glad to see another day.  
Ganondorf picked his head up from the floor and looked around blearily. "Hey, where's Ghirahim?"  
"Runnin' around Cardiff chasin' his cape, most probably." Shadow said, using the wall to pick himself up. He suddenly stopped and stared around in amazement. His eyes widened impossibly and filled with tears of joy as he took in the view. "Guys... People, ya'll will not BELIEVE where we are!"  
Vaati was the last to pick himself up, still unable to believe his body was still organised in a logical manner. When he saw where they were, his face changed from deadpan to mildly surprised. In Vaati's restrained world, this was pure and utter shock.  
"Where are we, then? Oh for the love of Din, I've lost the map!" Ganon wailed. Shadow shook his head slowly.  
"We don't need the map anymore, Master." he said quietly. "We'll never need the map again!"  
Vaati smiled. "Very true, Shadow. It looks as if we are nearly at our journey's end. This beautiful scenery you see before you, Master-" he indicated the view miles below, swinging his arm wide- "is only possible because we are atop DEATH MOUNTAIN!"  
Ganondorf froze, and whirled round to verify in his own eyes what Vaati said. It was indeed a beautiful view, a stunning panoramic of Hyrule in all its early morning beauty. (Hyrule and Cardiff were on very different time zones.) But that was not what Ganondorf was focusing on. A sign stood before them, and although it was dilapidated and almost unreadable, the familiar Hylian script etched on it was like a godsend, making the sign seem to stand proud and tall.  
It read as follows:  
GORON CITY NEXT LEFT In long, looping handwriting somebody had written below:

NOW UNDER SIEGE BY THE GERUDOS

But that didn't matter. After all, they were here to rescue the Gorons from said tribe- this was all they had been searching for. Now, all that was left was to liberate the vital race and initiate them into the Kuroi. After 19969 words and 35 pages, this was what they had been searching for!

-  
But alas, we know better. I am enjoying writing this story so much that I am considering putting them into even worse situations... Let's see what happens, no?  
A little warning, next chapter is INCREDIBLY tasteless! Poor Vaati is going to have some nasty stuff coming to him...

Swamp Dragon Princess: THANK YOU for the story follow and your lovely review! I hope you found time to have a good read, there's nothing better than that when you have some free time in my opinion. I wonder if Ganondorf is just pretending to read...?

JesusDoesNotLoveMe: Thank you for the follow! I like your pessimistic username... bless you ^_^

Shadow Rinato: Thank you for both the Story Follow/Favourite, and the Author Follow/Favourite! How sweet of you! I hope you enjoy all my stuff, in all its fluctuating quality =)

I am SOOOO happy at the reception this has gotten! Since I'm a new writer, it's really encouraging!  
If anyone's reading Ghirahim's Raw Deal, though, I have some sad news. No, no, don't cry *sarcasm*, I'm not cancelling! I'm just putting it on a hiatus until it gets some reviews or something. Thank you all for the views, though.  
Please, do continue reading this story! I hope you all enjoy, or at least don't cringe too much at the forthcoming chapters~ -  



	9. Vaati Always Gets A Raw Deal

-  
I have returned! Watch as my story sinks to new lows!  
Oh, by the by: For anyone who's interested, I'm thinking of a new project. If you crave more details, check out my profile (as my outline of it is rather wordy). Please, don't all rush at once!  
-

Chapter Nine: Vaati Always Gets A Raw Deal

With renewed vigour, Shadow and Ganondorf turned on their heels and set off back down the mountain for a celebration drink in Telma's Bar. They strolled through Hyrule Castle town with their arms draped around eachother's shoulders, singing loudly and cheerfully. Since Vaati was teetotal, he had no option but to sit and wait for them on top of Death Mountain. The shadow boy and his master's master swung merrily around anything that stood still as if they were already drunk. Dizzy with jubilation, they swerved and crashed into eachother, falling apart with laughter. As they made their merry way down to the bar, they attracted a small crowd of people who watched with disgust. "Youth today!" an old grandmother whispered. "I never thought I'd see the sight!"  
They made their way down the back alleys of Castle Town, turning left into a brick wall.  
"What the [CENSORED]?!" Shadow yelled. "I thought this was the Twilight Princess layout!"  
"It is, doofus- for GAMECUBE. Look, the bar's right here." called Ganondorf from halfway down the steps on the opposite side. Shadow immediately readjusted himself and gave a smug look to everyone watching. He had known that really.  
The two skipped down the steps, kicking Telma's cat Louise (ha! ha! Telma and Louise!) out of the way indifferently. They burst into the bar with an impromptu operatic chorus.  
Telma looked up from her bar duties with raised eyebrows. Oh brother, here were the afternoon revellers. She supposed there must have been a football match on or something. She folded her arms and rested on the counter, eyeing them with disdain. "What's it to be, boys?"  
Shadow and Ganon stopped in their tracks, finding themselves briefly unable to speak. Ganon's eyes widened.  
"You can see right down her dress..." he whispered.  
"...To [CENSORED] Tokyo!" Shadow completed the sentence, eyes shining.  
Telma heard their whispered observations and promptly seized a broom from behind the counter. Taking perfect aim, she managed to hit both of them around the head with it at once.  
The old men at the very back of the room heard the WHACK and shook their heads. "Sounds like one of them's looked down her shirt again..."

While Shadow and Ganondorf were trying to get their bearings back, Vaati sat on his own at the top of Death Mountain. He wrapped his cloak around himself and shivered violently, trying to ignore the darkening sky that signalled the start of another cold night. His breath began to make swirly patterns in the air that he traced with his finger.  
There was a mysterious silence in the air tonight; Vaati reflected on this as he leaned back against a rock face.  
"Hey, do you mind? That's my face." said a rock.  
"Oh, sorry." Vaati shifted to the left a little, and resumed his pondering.  
The first stars began to make their cautious way out of the clouds, shimmering shyly in the twilit sky. The sun gave one last brilliant glare of light from beyond the mountains before dipping behind the peaks and troughs of the rocks, not to be seen again until morning. The wind mage closed his eyes and relaxed.  
*Ah... what the heck.* he thought. *I'm sure they won't mind if I just have a little nap on the job...*

ONE HOUR LATER

"WHOOOOOOOOOOO! Keep 'em comin', Mama!" Shadow Link whooped as he gyrated along to the thumping dance music in the bar. Telma, starting to thoroughly enjoy him and his master's energetic company, slung him another drink in mid- air. Shadow caught it neatly and lobbed it down his throat with gusto. "Delicious!"  
Ganondorf flung his arms in the air and wiggled his hips, strutting around the bar like a macho drag queen. The old men whooped and laughed, greatly entertained. One old man was a time- traveller who had promptly got out a phone and was filming this for use on YouTube later. The first half would later become a school video to warn children about the dangers of drinking... and the second half would go viral, destroying Vaati's reputation in the process.  
Shadow laughed as he headbanged to the beat of "Another One Bites The Dust". Really, Vaati must be INSANE to miss out on stuff like this! Then again, he couldn't really imagine Vaati EVER getting as drunk as he probably was right now. Suddenly, an idea struck him and he did Gangnam Style over to Ganondorf.  
"Hey, Ganny- wanna do impressions?" he yelled. Ganondorf's eyes lit up.  
"YEAH! I'll go first! I wanna do... Veran!"  
Everyone watching roared with laughter as the King Of Evil tottered along the dancefloor, pretending to apply lipstick. He turned to the camera the old man was holding and jiggled a pair of imaginary breasts, kissing the air as he did so. Shadow gasped with laughter.  
"Okay, okay, my turn! I'll do- Ghirahim!"  
He did an exaggerated ballet dance, holding his nose to imitate his servant's nasal accent and letting rip with the foulest words he could. He sucked in his stomach to imitate how thin he was and flung himself on the floor - "DEMISE! Oh, DEMISE! I love you and pound my stupid head in for you! I sound like I constantly have a cold but I LOVE YOU, MASTER!"  
This made the bar erupt, and Ganondorf promptly leapt on the table, determined to do one better. "Nice one, Shaddy! I'll do- VAATI!"  
"Hey, no fair, I was gonna do him next!" Shadow yelled.  
"Let's both do it!" Ganon yelled back. Shadow was the first to set it off, snatching Telma's makeup bag off the counter and applying liberal amounts of lipstick and eyeshadow to his face. "Since Vaati looks so much like a girl!"  
Ganondorf grabbed two empty beer mugs and stuffed them down his front. "Yeah, he does! And the stupid way he walks!" He did an exaggerated tippy- toe walk across the counter, sashaying his hips and flicking his hair. Shadow whooped with laughter. "Yeah! Hey Telma, put "Barbie Girl" on!"  
Telma complied, unable to stop herself smiling. Let the boys have their fun... they would regret it tomorrow. Shadow and Ganon proceeded to let rip with everything they had in terms of Vaati insults. First they did a sketch where the mage attempted to fit his undersized feet into normal- sized shoes and kept falling over, faceplanting the floor all the time ("Perhaps that's how he got so ugly!"). Next, they did a sketch where Veran broke up with him because his long, incredibly girly hair had taken on a life of its own and kept strangling everyone ("If you used your hair instead of your wits, you'd do a lot better in battles against Link!") and then another sketch where Veran had had enough of Vaati's purple skin and dragged him to the doctors'.  
"Oh, Vaati, you've got bad circulation!" Ganondorf yelled in a mock- posh accent as the doctor.  
Shadow, as Vaati, leaned forward and batted his eyelashes. "Oh, Doctor, Doctor, what do you suggest? What do I so badly need?"

"_VIAAAAGRAAAAAAA!_"

The bar exploded with mirth as the two continued to act out the rest of the sketch, the details of which are not appropriate to put on a respectable website such as this. When they had finished and taken their bows to rapturous applause, the two decided to quit while they were ahead. They said their goodbyes to their audience, thanked Telma for all the drinks (which she promptly took off their tab as they were the first drunk people to ever be polite to her) and made their leave.  
The old man chuckled and uploaded his video. That video was soon to go viral across the world, and unbeknownst to him Vaati's reputation would plummet overnight. The mage would not realise this yet, but it will surface its ugly head again in the forthcoming chapters...

(A/N: *cough* bad taste *cough*. Thank goodness Vaati hasn't got access to Youtube. No wi- fi in the Palace of Winds, ya see).

The wind mage was almost fast asleep when his two companions came staggering back up the mountain. Of course, he was promptly woken by Shadow and Ganondorf singing "I AM THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!" over and over as they tripped up the rocks. He rubbed his eyes in irate bleariness, the line already starting to grate.  
"Yes, I am the Great Mighty Poo and I'm going to throw my [CENSORED] at you!" he yelled. "Where the heck have you two been?! It's dark!"  
"We've been- HAC- druh- drinky drinky glug!" Shadow hiccuped gleefully. Vaati turned on Ganondorf in rage.  
"Master! Shadow's underage! How could you allow him to drink?!"  
"The boy's a good 'un..." Ganon replied, slapping the shadow child heartily on the back.  
Vaati managed to swallow his urge to slap both of them off the mountain and dragged them both over to a nearby cave. He lay them down and tutted. "Right then, you two had better sleep it off. And I don't care if you're hungover in the morning, we are going to fight the Gerudos anyway." he snapped. But there was no response- the two had already fallen into a drunken sleep- stupor, giggling stupidly without knowing. The wind mage turned away, sweeping his cloak dramatically around his shoulders, and decided that since he was wide awake he would go and explore the mountain a little more.  
He walked down the path a little, looking over the valley at the view and searching for rocks he could climb. When he was a Minish he had always enjoyed exploring the bigger human world, but now all those stones that had seemed like mountains to him were now simple pebbles that he could kick out of his way. He couldn't help but feel strangely depressed at this- the world, which had previously seemed so full of wonder to him, was beginning to reveal what it really was... just a dystopia locked in a constant struggle between good and evil. Still, you had to take sides in life... everyone was guilty of it at one time or another. He just wondered whether he should have stayed a mere Shiroi Minish- simple, and full of innocent wonder.  
He finally spotted a large rock formation to his left. It was sloped quite smoothly, with a signpost sticking out of it reading "To The Great Fairy's Fountain." Intrigued, he began to climb up it. He scrambled up the chipped rocks that capped it, and followed a wide path between two towering walls of rock. Seeing a seemingly impassable tower of stone before him, he decided to cheat and silently levitated his way up. Once there, he entered the first cave he saw on his left.  
The fountain was incredible- beautiful masonry was set into marble walls that led one down a path to the setpiece itself- a beautiful, gushing stone fountain with intricate designs and water that seemed oddly multicoloured. Vaati stood before it for a while, looking down at his warped reflection in the water and feeling oddly peaceful. Absentmindedly, he took a Rupee out of his pocket and threw it in. He was just about to make a wish when-

WHOOOOOOOOOOOSHHH!

Vaati stepped back as a woman suddenly leapt up from the water, sending it spraying everywhere and spattering the walls. He promptly took another step back to avoid his tunic getting wet, and frowned.  
"That was rather a rude entrance. Where on earth did you just come from? I mean- oh. Ah ha. Sorry, did I interrupt you?" he asked. The fairy (completely naked, save for glitter covering all the ugly parts) put her hand on her hip and grinned at him.  
"Not at all! This is how I'm always dressed!" she sang. "Or, rather, NOT dressed! But I like glitter."  
(A/N: Of course, this is the Great Fairy from OoT. I always found them a bit like clowns... It was just the makeup, I suppose.)  
Vaati, with great effort, focused his attention on the wall behind her instead. Pretty decorations... pretty pretty decorations...  
"So, anyway, traveller..." The fairy's voice brought his attention back to her. "You threw a Rupee into the fountain! Evidently you wanted a wish, or perhaps advice for your quest! I'm willing to give both!"  
The wind mage looked her in the eye- which was heavily but tactfully made up, much like her lips and cheeks, and spoke in his usual measured tones. "Well, I wanted a wish. But, incidentally, that wish was for advice, which it seems you are now offering me. To get to the point, I came to ask; how on earth do I put up with my two comrades over there?" he asked, thumbing behind him. "They're both drunk out of their minds- this is a very rare example of "alone time" for me, and they've been nothing but trouble throughout our entire quest. I seem to be the only one who's actually trying to GET SOMEWHERE."  
He sighed, sitting down on the floor cross- legged. This could take a while. The fairy knelt at the side of the fountain, head tilted to one side in sympathy, and listened.  
"Then again, I suppose Shadow Link has some good ideas now and then... but he's still so much trouble. He can be a real handful sometimes, and Ganondorf is doing nothing but influencing him. I'm just the fall guy, the one who does all the calculations. Sure, Shadow and Ganon can go off and have a good time... But I can't, you know? And I deserve to, I've been stuck in a sword for 4,000 years! Believe me, after being trapped for that long, I really need some alone time. I can't take all this rushing around and stress as soon as I get out- and also..."

It was a good many hours before Vaati finished pouring out his woes. By the time he was done, it was starting to get light outside. The fairy, while unwavering in her support, had never felt more like a shrink in her entire life. *Sheesh*, she thought, *all Link wanted was some life energy replenished! A potion or two maybe, on a bad day. But this guy... Well, I'm just glad Link is mute!*  
She did not say this out loud, of course. In fact, she couldn't help but feel sorry for the purple- haired sorcerer sitting before her, feminine hands clasped lightly in his lap as she quietly gave him advice. She told him not to worry, just to ignore them, he was doing a fine job as he was, and-  
She suddenly burst out laughing, unable to control herself any longer.  
"What's the matter?" Vaati asked irritably.  
"I'm sorry..." she gasped. "It's just that... your situation is so TERRIBLE! I'm supposed to be this super- sympathetic agony aunt, but seriously?! And that Youtube video they just uploaded about you as well! AHAHAHAHAAA!"  
Vaati frowned. What the heck was Youtube? Did they refer to Shadow and Ganondorf? His usually smug heart sank slightly as he wondered what on earth they had done now. He didn't imagine it was anything major... right?  
"Oh, my God, it's amazing!" the fairy whooped, watching it again on her phone. Vaati, now mad with panicked curiosity, leapt towards her to try and see what she was viewing. Unfortunately, he misjudged his calculations and his foot hit the fountain's edge. With a girly shriek and an ungainly splash, he plummeted into the water.  
He fought to the surface and clambered out, spluttering and willing himself not to swear. By now the fairy had disappeared, leaving only the echo of her laughter in the air.  
He did not look back. With an irritated huff, he stalked out of the cave.

-  
I warned you! I DID warn you. I very much doubt this story will get more tasteless than that though... The worst is over ;)

Swamp Dragon Princess: Thank you for the review again! I thought your observations were very amusing. Yes, I too can imagine Ghirahim with a mirror like that. Taking an hour each day to straighten his hair, no doubt. I think I have certainly taken Vaati down many pegs in this chapter... Needless to say his ego has been punctured somewhat. Whether I will treat him any better in the forthcoming chapters is yet to be seen. *laughs evilly!*

SpiritofSilverWater: Thanks for the follow, favourite, and review! I hope you got my PM okay, my computer is constantly playing up... I will NEVER turn down a community offer, so don't worry! I'm a (fluctuating) Shadow fangirl as well, but only because he's cute in the manga =) Yes, I'm that shallow! ...Vaati is probably my favourite out of all the characters, though. Because he's cute AND has a cute laugh. Hee 3


	10. Ganondorf Has Family Issues

**Guys! Ahem! An announcement- I have a beta profile! Of course, there are a couple of issues- namely the damned HTML marks all over the place! Please ignore them if you can, I have no idea how to delete them- I've pretty much tried everything. It might just be my computer having a disagreement with the site. Tsk! But if you have any story you want checked out... Hint hint!**  
**...Sorry. I'm absolutely shameless.**

On another note: HAPPY HALLOWEEN! And a shorter story summary (I don't know why that's happy...)

**IMPORTANT NOTE: IF THE SUMMARY IS THE SAME AS BEFORE, PLEASE PM ME. My computer isn't saving anything and I want to know if it's just my IP address.**

Chapter Ten: Ganondorf Has Family Issues...

Vaati returned to the cave where the two were sleeping- actually, just about to awaken with raging hangovers- feeling more than just fed up. He settled down for a quick nap when-  
"SWEET MOTHER OF HYLIA, WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!" Ganondorf woke up with a roar, clutching his head. Vaati lifted himself from the rock reluctantly and took inner delight at seeing his master groan and throw himself back on the floor. Shadow woke up, hearing the bang, and immediately pulled his hat down over his ears.  
"Shut the [CENSORED] up, Master..." he moaned. Ganondorf swore back at him, and the two lay quietly in wide- awake misery.  
"So, did you have a good time last night?" Vaati asked evenly. There was no reply.  
"Oh, fine then." The wind mage swung his legs around and stood up, stretching himself out. "I suppose I'll just go have a look around... in the fresh, cool mountain air... my sharp mind bright and ready for-"  
He was cut off as Ganondorf blasted him out of the cave with an eruption of dark magic. He lay sprawled on the ground, chuckling to himself.  
Snapping his fingers, a bugle appeared from mid- air. Putting it to his lips, he took a deep breath and-  
_TURUM- TARAAAAAAAA! TURUM- TARAAAAAAAA! TURUM-TURUM-TURUM-TURUM-TURUM- TARAAAAAAAA! TURU-_  
Ganondorf burst into furious tears and lunged at the wind mage. Vaati leapt backwards delicately and easily avoided his blow. Ganondorf overbalanced massively and was left hanging onto the edge of the cliff they were camped on by his fingertips. The wind mage crouched down in front of him.  
"So, what's all this business about a viral video?" he asked, in a deceptively gentle tone. Ganondorf gulped.  
"We... uh, BACK ME UP, SHADOW!"  
"Shaddup, Master." came Shadow's bleary reply. Ganon was too hungover to remember any curses, so he simply hung there limply and gulped. He didn't have much respect for Vaati, but he knew the mage was clever. Too clever for him to outsmart- though of course he would never admit it. He thought for a while as Vaati waited patiently. Eventually he spoke, in what he thought was a confident manner.  
"We were making a video!"  
"I worked that out already, Master. But what exactly was it based around?"  
"Butterflies are going extinct!" Shadow called from the cave, realising through his pounding headache that both him AND Ganondorf would get the full brunt of Vaati's rage if they didn't cover up their tracks now.  
"Isn't that a shame." Vaati hissed. "If we're not careful... GERUDOS MIGHT GO EXTINCT TOO!"  
With that, he leapt gracefully up in the air and came down hard on Ganondorf's fingers. The King Of Evil shrieked like a toddler and let go, plummeting to his doom. Shadow Link froze as his creator turned and marched towards him. He too tried in vain to remember any curses, deflection or shield ones especially, but like Ganondorf drew a blank in his alcohol- addled brain. He let out a loud, nervous hiccup as he backed himself against the wall.  
Vaati stopped outside the cave, glaring in. "You're still drunk, aren't you?"  
"Bwuuuuh?" All Shadow heard was the pounding music from last night. "Well, damn..."  
"I'll give you damn." Vaati whispered venomously under his breath. "But first-"  
He snapped his fingers again, and swung a massive, Oktober- fest size tankard of Telma's Finest towards the boy. "You obviously enjoyed it last night!"  
Shadow, confronted once again by the devil's drink, shrieked and attempted to get to his feet. Unfortunately his balance was still not the best and he stumbled heavily into the wall. The shock was too much for him and he heaved loudly. Vaati, realising the sudden danger, decided to back off. The last thing he needed was Shadow to hurl all over his robes (which had been washed so nicely in the Great Fairy's Fountain last night).  
"Bye, then!" he called quickly behind him, and sprinted out of the cave.  
Ignoring Shadow's yells ("HEY! When I'm ILL, I expect BASIC EMOTIONAL SUPPORT!"), he decided to make his way up the mountain to have a look around the Gerudo base camp.  
He was just about to set off, when he froze. Hang on a second, what if Risky was there...?  
His question was answered approximately two seconds later when a scimitar whistled through the air inches from his head. He whipped round to find his purple- haired pursuer almost upon him already, another blade poised and ready in her hand. Acting quickly, he grabbed her leg and swung her round like a hammer, before letting go and sending her sailing into a rock face.  
"Hey, do you mind? My face hasn't changed positions during the night, or anything." said a rock.  
"Oh, sorry again." Vaati called over. The sound of a trumpet interrupted his apology, and to his horror he saw an entire legion of Riskys- clones, he presumed- riding at full speed towards him on purple horses.  
Without stopping to think, he turned and ran up the mountain.

It was only sheer good luck that Ganondorf was saved by a unitard- wearing 35 year old cartographer, floating up the mountain in a hot- air balloon. He believed that if he saved enough green- skinned, red- haired, hungover, slightly porky evil villains, he would become a fairy. Therefore, Ganondorf was deposited safely on the ground not far from where he had been kicked off.  
One hour later, Shadow Link finally found the energy to walk. Staggering to the corner of the cave and shielding himself from the sunlight, he looked out onto the terrain of the mountain. Although it swam before his eyes, he forced himself to focus- but, to his bleary worry, Vaati was nowhere to be seen.  
"Hey Ganny." He turned to his master who was curled up in a miserable ball. "Ganny! Where's Vaats gone?"  
"Dead, I hope. Smug little [CENSORED]." Ganondorf hissed. "Now leave me alone!"  
Shadow did not respond to this, and instead hastily constructed a sun umbrella from himself out of a bunch of large leaves. He held it over his head protectively and ventured out into the migraine- inducing sunlight. Still no sign of his master.  
Making his way up the mountain, he could see horse hooves ingrained into the weak soil. He followed these, eventually stumbling upon some very distinctive footprints- they were tiny, and the undersides seemed to be sandal- patterned. "Vaati!"

Many miles ahead, Vaati finally came across the Gerudo stronghold. They had set up almost as powerful a camp here as they had in Gerudo Valley, but his apprehension at entering soon vanished as he heard the army of Riskys galloping up behind him. He set off again with long strides, leaping over cooking fires- failing to clear one and gasping as his tunic burst into flames. He stifled a swear word and emptied the alcohol tankard over himself.

Time froze, cartoon- style. "Well, _that_ was stupid." Vaati said.

Time resumed. His tunic erupted into flames once again, and he was forced to do a Stop- Drop- Roll manouvere across the ground. Unfortunately, he happened to come to a halt at Risky's feet, charred and smoking.  
Risky seized her chance, and slammed the empty tankard onto his head.  
"GUGGA MRBLE MMPH _GAH_!" came the annoyed yells from inside.  
"Well, you shouldn't have disobeyed me." Risky replied, slapping Vaati in chains and slyly injecting him with sleeping potion. In seconds, the wind mage was asleep and helpless.

"Hey Risky, has he got enough air in there?" a nearby Gerudo asked in concern.

The author gritted her teeth. Goddammit, that was going to be a perfect cliffhanger sentence, and then those stupid Gerudos had to go and ruin it! She swore in Chinese, thought hard, and typed a couple of lines into her computer.

A ten- ton brick fell on the Gerudo's head. The author was having an off day and couldn't think of any imaginative punishment.

Shadow Link continued to make his way up the mountain, but the rugged midday heat was starting to have an effect on him. Several times he saw mirages ("What?! Lebanese shadow dancers?! Hey, that one looks like my aunt!"), while it was difficult enough to stop as little light as possible hitting him anyway. He cursed his master for trekking so far.  
He turned at the sound of heavy footsteps thundering up the mountain. Ganondorf skidded to a halt next to him, panting heavily. He leaned against a rock fa-  
"Hey, that's not my face. That's my butt cheek." said a rock.  
"Shut up." Ganondorf replied.  
-and attempted to catch his breath. Shadow looked worriedly up the mountain.  
"Master, Vaati's just- GONE! And Goddammit, he moved fast! Was he taking the [CENSORED] train or somethin'?"  
Ganon shook his head and farted rudely on the rock. "Nah, you'd be surprised how fast that guy can shift. Especially when he's just thought of a new mathematical theorem." Shadow turned to him, impressed. "Big words for you!"  
"Yeah, I know. Vaati's a jerk, but you learn stuff from him for sure. Anyway, we should keep trucking. This heat's doing nothing for my hangover..."  
The shadow boy shook his head in wonder as they resumed their journey. Ganondorf seemed to have got a lot smarter over the course of their ill- fated quest... Evidently he had actually been listening to one of him and Vaati's intelligent discussions!  
(Sample;  
Shadow: Hey, Master, can you throw up while standing on your head?  
Vaati: Indeed I can. Would you like me to demonstrate?  
Shadow: Errr, no. But can you show me that trick with your armpit?  
Vaati: Watch and learn, my boy, watch and learn...  
*Vaati proceeds to do disgusting armpit trick which has Shadow whooping with glee and the gods themselves to feel slightly disgusted. Even Mr Mensa needs down time.*)

Eventually, through a haze of heat, the two spied the top of the mountain and thus, the Gerudo stronghold. From the footprints trailing into it, it was evident that Vaati had intruded somewhere.  
An army of women stood at the entrance, spears poised.  
"You may not pass!" shouted one.  
"For we are the knights who say... Ni!" shouted another. "Wrong fictional scenario, Yasa."  
"Oh. Is it the knights who play Wii?"  
"No, that's Four Swords Misadventures... Do we need a copyright for that?"  
"I don't know!... Hey, where are our potential captives? And aren't we knightesses?"  
The two hapless Gerudo looked around while the rest of the troop groaned inwardly. Shadow and Ganondorf hurtled through the stronghold, kicking over buckets of food and water and trampling over tents. Their hungover state made their sense of proprioception somewhat awry, but it did not matter to them. All that mattered was that they rescued Vaati- the brains of the group- "...before his guts are made into sashimi or somethin'!" Shadow Link panted. "An' they feed it to us! An' we get food poisonin'! An' DIE!"  
"Shut up and keep your breath for worrying, whassyourname!" Ganondorf snapped.  
They eventually came across the main fortress, towering ominously up into the midday sun. This was indeed where Vaati was being held, currently semi- conscious and strapped to a table. Oh yeah, and he was also connected to a neuroimagery machine.  
His two hungover comrades did not know this, of course, but they could sense that he was in trouble as they approached the oppressive place. It cast a large shadow over them, making Shadow sigh in contentment and drop his home- made parasol on the floor thankfully. The doors were inexplicably unmanned, and they staggered in apprehensively. They exchanged furtive glances as they passed rows of empty cells, all spattered with the blood of past prisoners.  
"Sheesh, they're busy here! They've only been here since two weeks ago!" Ganondorf sighed. "Ah, my poor race... Reduced to killing innocent people! To sacrifice to ME, of course, so that's alright. Carry on truckin', O awesome females!"

In the room at the end of the block, Vaati heard his master's loud voice. He summoned his strength and shouted at the top of his lungs:

"HEY, YA FAT HUNGOVER LUMP OF FLAB! I'M OVER HERE!"

"Huh?!" Ganondorf whipped around in terror. "The walls just spoke!"  
"Master Vaati!" Shadow yelled in excitement. He started running down the corridor towards Vaati's cell, beckoning to Ganon to follow. "Don't worry, Master, we gonna bust ya'll outta there!"  
"Do you have a key?" The voice came from the room again, clearer this time.  
"No need for that! C'mon, Ganny, get over here!" Shadow called. Ganondorf glared at him as he approached.  
"Lemme guess... the old "head as a battering ram" trick again?" Vaati called from inside the room. Without replying, the King Of Evil bent down and allowed the surprisingly strong Shadow to pick him up. Hoisting his master under his skinny arm, the shadow boy ran at the door at top speed-

KAWHAAMMMMMOOOOOOOOO!

In a flurry of breaking locks and twisting metal, Shadow and Ganon broke through the door and skidded to a halt. Ganondorf was unceremoniously dropped on the floor as Shadow sprinted over and punched Vaati playfully in the chest.  
"Ya had us all so damn worried!" he yelled. He glanced at the screen behind them. "Hey, is that ya'll's brain?"  
"Don't touch." Vaati warned. Unsurprisingly, Shadow's selective deafness kicked in just then and he proceeded to hit several buttons corresponding to areas of his master's brain.  
To cut a long story short, after Vaati had shrieked, danced, ripped the electrodes off, tried to eat Ganondorf's arm, sang "I Will Always Love You" in a falsetto voice, ran into the wall repeatedly, and stared vacantly into space wearing a stupid grin for ten minutes, Shadow decided to disable the connection to his brain. He flicked a switch and the machine died down, leaving Vaati lying on the floor with an enormous migraine. Ganondorf laughed at his discomfort.  
"That was so funny! Will you do it again?" he yelled in excitement, jumping up and down. "Can I have a go?"  
"Master, shut up. Shadow, as soon as we get back you're grounded." Vaati groaned.

After Vaati was able to stand again, the three decided they had better continue with their ill- fated mission. Their first goal, of course, was to liberate the Gorons and persuade them to join the Kuroi as a thank- you move. Then, they had the added worry of retrieving the Dark Mirror from the Kikwi who had inexplicably stolen it. To cut a long story short, after tunnelling for many miles underground (thanks to Ganondorf procuring a Lens Of Truth), they found a network of tunnels leading every which way. Taking a random guess (that, for once, turned out to be right), they proceeded to scramble up a tunnel leading directly into the besieged Goron City. Of course, seeing three intruders' heads pop up from under the flooring was a huge shock to the highly- strung race, who proceeded to attack them with all manner of clubs and spears until Vaati subdued them all with a powerful blast of dark magic. By that time, relations were once again strained between the group after spending so long underground in stifling heat, and they decided to stay the night in Goron City- SEPERATELY. Then, the plan was to introduce themselves and co-ordinate a massive Goron attack on the Gerudo army to defeat them.  
Ganondorf rubbed his shoulder, sore after holding up the Lens for so long. "What do we do now? My arm hurts." he whinged.  
"We should brainwash 'em! Sure, they're runnin' scared now after Vaats blasted the [CENSORED] outta them just then, but they're a stoic race. They'll be back with [CENSORED] guns soon enough!" Shadow said loudly. Each foul word echoed around the uncomfortable silence of the city, temporarily deserted after the scared Gorons had retired to their homes (once again, caves built into the rock. Some things never change). "That's a good idea, Shadow." mused Vaati. "Hey, Ganondorf, could you possibly summon your mother?"  
"My MOTHERS. MOTHER WITH AN S." Ganondorf hissed. "And we can't do that unless we're in Hyrule, stupid!"  
"We ARE in Hyrule!"  
"No, we're in Goron World!"  
"That's in Hyrule, Master!"  
"No it's not! It's in Death Mountain! Where's the map?!"  
"We threw it out, remember? Just take my word for it, we're in Hyrule!"  
"No we're not!"  
"JUST GET THEIR BUTTS OVER HERE!" Shadow wailed.  
Ganondorf gritted his teeth, ruing the day Shadow was created. Thinking of this made him rue Vaati, who he promptly elbowed sharply in the ribs. ("MASTER! [CENS]- I mean, golly gosh!") Muttering various incantations under his breath, Ganny sat on the uneven stone floor in a meditative position, eyes half- closed as if in a deep trance. Patterns slowly started to swirl before him as he continued to chant louder. They formed two seperate shapes, which manifested themselves into humanoid forms. Ganon furrowed his brow, deep in concentration-  
WHACK!  
Koume hit him over the head with her broomstick. "Alright, we're here now! You can quit showing off for your friends!"  
Kotake hit Koume with her broomstick. "How dare you speak to our surrogate son like that, you old bag!"  
"Who're YOU calling an old bag?! We're the same age, you fat codger!"  
"What?! Are you saying-!"  
"Mothers, please!" Ganondorf got to his feet and bowed respectfully. "We're only asking for your help briefly. We want you to brainwash these Gorons."  
Koume and Kotake looked at eachother. Their gaze turned sharply back to Ganon.  
"Say please!"  
Ganondorf bottom lip curled. He folded his arms and stamped his foot. "No. I'm an evil villain, and what I says goes!"  
"Then we're not helpi-"  
"PLEASE!" Vaati wailed, falling to his knees. "PLEASE, JUST DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO AND END THIS SORRY CHAIN OF EVENTS!"  
There was a hanging silence as the wind mage bowed his head to the floor and took several deep breaths to steady himself. Shadow Link cocked his head in surprise, having never seen his master "lose it" before. (Except for that time when Ganon had lit his fart on his birthday cake candles, but that was a different story.)  
Kotake nodded in approval. "Why couldn't we have had him instead of Ganondorf...?"  
Koume whispered in her pointed ear. "Would you really want HIM to continue the Gerudo race?"  
"...Say no more. I suppose we'd better be thankful for what we've got." Kotake raised her voice. "Okay then, we'll do it. Something do to in between episodes of Embarrassing Bodies."  
"Hylia's knickers, old grans like them shouldn't be watchin' that! Their [CENSORED] pacemakers will give out!" Shadow whispered to himself. Ganondorf heard, and had to be physically restrained by Vaati. While this was going on, the two witches were quietly working their magic. Selecting each Goron in turn telepathically, they proceeded to possess and dominate their minds. The already simple species found their heads to be even lighter, as if their brain was no longer their own burden and now belonged to someone else. They could not help but relax, freed from the shackles of conscious thought, and instead let Koume and Kotake's idle musings slip into their minds instead.  
"Hope they don't see that Peyronie's episode we watched..." Kotake muttered. Vaati interrupted any further elaboration with a loud cough. The two witches turned their attention back to him, and nodded in unison.  
"Things are all nicely cleared up here, then." Koume announced, with an elaborate flourish of her arm to emphasize the statement. Pretending to ignore the large boulder that crashed down behind them as a result of this accidental magic, she turned to her fellow witch. "Clarify the statement, Kotake. We done here or what?"  
"Yes, alright, we're freaking done here! I heard you the first time!"  
"Oh, I didn't think you would, you old biddy."  
"Who are you calling old, you fat crone?"  
"Oh, it's back to the fat again, you giant stinking lump of-"  
Ganondorf snapped his fingers wearily and the two vanished, though their argument could still briefly be heard throughout the city before fading away into silence.  
And silence.  
And silence.  
"Family problems, eh?" Shadow volunteered. Ganondorf smacked him.

As for the room they slept in, they managed to find a very nice spot in the middle of Darunia's room. The natural heat from the caves was soothing at this hostile time of year, and although nothing could thaw the figurative coldness between the three, the literal temperature rose very nicely as they lay down on the stone flooring. It was almost like there was underfloor heating, such was its consistency.  
The room was unchanged from its appearance in Ocarina Of Time- somewhat scarce, but with plenty of ornate decorations and Goron treasures to brighten it up. As always, statues were placed in the corners of the room, watching the intruders with solemn eyes. Everything pulsed from within with an eerie red light, courtesy of the geothermal heat bubbling up from deep below the city. Bomb plants twined themselves with long vines around the cracks in the walls and ceilings, although for the most part these had been uprooted from this important room and left to grow outside. At one point in the night, Ganondorf stepped on one while going for a wee in a chamberpot. The resulting explosion did not even stir Vaati and Shadow, who were enjoying the most comfortable sleep they had had in a long while. Indeed, this was the first time they had ever slipped into a deep REM slumber since their quest began, and though unconscious for the moment, they would awaken in the morning glad for the rest.  
After their master had limped back to the room smelling ever- so- faintly of smoke and burnt clothes, and laid himself back down upon the floor, there was not a single movement in all of the besieged city for the rest of the night.

-  
Hope you enjoyed! Yes, Vaati got his own back- but alas. His fortune did not last ^^ Is Ganondorf's father ever mentioned in Zelda? I don't think so... If he is, please correct me. I wonder if he's anything like Koume or Kotake! I thought that scene in OoT after you defeat Twinrova, where they're arguing and completely oblivious to the fact they've been killed, was absolutely brilliant =D

Right then, mentions! *fanfare!*

SoulXSilverII: Thanks for the favourite, follow, and story favourite! I know my PM was probably really weird. But at least it DIDN'T, right? As I'm sure my other followers will testify, I'm not a very interesting person to follow as an author- I don't know if you get alerts when I update my profile, but I update it pretty frequently (usually with pretty meaningless stuff). I have news of a new project I'm thinking of up if you're interested, though!

SpiritofSilverWater: You and Shadow have things in common?! Gulp! As long as you're not an evil villain with a penchant for insane destruction... But if you are, thank you for the review anyway. I'm not biased =)

Swamp Dragon Princess: Aww, thank you! Your review was very amusing. I always wondered how Ghi's hair was so silky straight... I bet if Telma hadn't discarded that bar tap, Vaati would have had to pay. I can imagine him singing "It's A Hard Knock Life" to himself as he goes through his mountains of paperwork... At least he got revenge!

Elegia Dark: Wow, I'm flattered! Thank you for the follow, favourite, story follow, and story favourite! Oh, and the review! The thoughts of everyone who read this chapter, summed up in one concise sentence! *applauds*

Now, let's see... Next chapter... Whose death should I bring about? MOO HA HAAAA!  
-


	11. FILLER POETRY! YIPPEE!

**Happy Bonfire Night, everyone! May you all NOT get your heads blown off by fireworks!**  
**Anyway, I decided to use this as "filler chapter" to cheer myself up since I'm back in school =(**  
**It's not a proper chapter, it's a poem! Yaaaay!**  
-

Vaati studied the piece of paper worriedly. "Is this really what the author gets up to in her spare time?"  
"Just read it!" Ganondorf roared. "I can't WAIT to hear it!"  
"Can't you read it yourself, Master?" Shadow asked. Ganondorf stared at his feet shamefacedly. There was a long silence as everyone waited for his reply, before a small squeak came forth: "Well, I can't read."  
There was an even longer silence.  
"Well, we really should have guessed that, shouldn't we?" Vaati muttered, turning his attention back to the paper. "Let's see, Cortex's Chemisty Revision.

Johnny was a scientist,  
Johnny is no more,  
For what he thought was H20 was H2S04.

Teacher's comments: F. See me!"

"NO, NO, NOOOO!" the author screamed, snatching the paper off him and turning it over. "On the other side, you numbskull! LOOK!"  
Shadow and Vaati read down the page quickly. "Well, [CENSORED]. That isn't nice." Shadow said, glaring at the page viciously. It would have burst into flames if Ganondorf had not whacked Vaati around the head with the saucepan from Chapter 4. "JUST GET ON WITH IT!" the King of Evil roared. "Otherwise this chapter is going to be several pages too long!"  
"Alright, alright." Vaati hissed, rubbing his head. "Here goes nothing."

"This is the story of Vaati and Shadow,  
They and Ganon are all very baddo.  
Ganon is big and also a pig He's really a slaphead but he wears a wig.  
Now Vaati and Shaddy, that's a whole different tale,  
Vaati's got a brain twice the size of South Wales.  
Shadow has a brain, but he doesn't use it a lot,  
But Ganon has been thick since he's been in his cot.  
Cortex's ideas are stupid and mad But she still keeps on writing, the torturous cad.  
Shadow has normal skin, but Ganny has green And the smell that he makes when he farts is obscene.  
Is Vaati a girl, or is he a guy?  
The Net cannot tell, thus neither can I.  
At over 10 chapters, this fic's far too long Just thousands of words of things all going wrong,  
This poem's been going for rather a while,  
If you printed it out it would stretch half a mile.  
So I'll end belatedly with a terrible rhyme,  
Now I have no more to say I shall say THE END."

The author applauded. "Beautiful diction, Vaati. What do you... all... think...?"  
Seeing the looks on their faces (and especially Ganon's), she decided to beat a hasty exit.

_  
**TA DAAAAAAAAAAA! Credit goes to my sister for helping!**  
**I'm not expecting reviews (c'mon, who'd review this?)... unless they are in praise of my incredible poetry skills of course ;)**  
**Chapter 11 will be up on Thursday, with mentions!**  
**Thank you! *bows***


	12. And Shadow's Traumatised

-  
**Greetings, all! Hope you had a lovely Bonfire Night! Or, um, a lovely November 5th for those who don't have this slightly pyromaniacal celebration! Aaaanyway, before we begin, have you seen the new art for Link Between Worlds? *gasp!* SHADOW LIIIIIIINK! Some say it's Dark Link, but I personally think it's Shadow because Dark is usually depicted as an adult. And since the Link in this game is a child, it only makes sense to have the dark version of him as a child as well. Therefore, let's all hope Shaddy's back!**  
**And yaay, Arashi no Uta is finally up! It's my first serious effort, though, so check it out at your peril. ANYWAY! We begin!**  
-

Chapter Eleven: ...And Shadow's Traumatised (or The Untimely Death Of Red)

Shadow woke with the sun the next morning, stretching himself out across the floor and yawning loudly. He lay on his back scratching his side for a few moments before becoming aware of the grumpy rumblings in his stomach. Deciding to see if there was any food available, he got up and left the room, stepping carefully over his two sleeping masters.  
The city was never quiet- if one listened very closely, the sound of primitive machinery could be heard whirring behind the scenes. A giant rotating pot was situated in the main hall just outside Darunia's room, and this too made a significant amount of noise that was greatly amplified in the emptiness of early morning. He stood and watched it for a moment, wondering what strange mechanism caused it to move like this. Eventually, though, his interest waned and he wandered up the neatly- cut steps into a higher area.  
As was the norm with Death Mountain, everything followed an inexplicable pattern. In the case of Goron City, this was that the whole place was circular. A stone path ran around the walls much like Zora's Domain, winding up the mountain like a corkscrew before ending at a rounded roof that was evidently man- made. Boulders were thrown everywhere, in seemingly random patterns. However, if one looked closer, it would become evident that they were strategically placed to stop intruders going into sacred places dotted around the city. Sacred places were big business in Hyrule. Unfortunately for those who, at some time long ago, must have thought they were so intelligent to place those rocks there, the barrier they created could now easily be destroyed by the Bomb Flowers that grew nearby. Shadow plucked one from the wall and hurled it nonchalantly at the rock, ducking as it blasted the stone apart with a shuddering boom.  
When he was satisfied that all debris had fallen to earth, he picked himself up and walked cautiously through the opening it created. Seeing a hole in the wall, he got down on his hands and knees and crawled through. Looking up expectantly to see what he had chanced upon, his face fell.  
"A stinkin' treasure chest?!" he snapped, getting to his feet. "I got my tunic dirty for THIS?! Gee, I don't get what the real Link sees in this questin' stuff!"  
He kicked it open anyway.

"TA- DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" A ridiculously short man wearing a green sleeved unitard that covered the top of his head burst out of the chest. He struck a pose in front of the startled Shadow, who could do nothing but stare. He was quite Asian- looking, with slightly lined eyes and a cheeky smile. His ears were evidently pointed, suggesting that he was Hylian. He wore a backpack that was almost as large as him.  
"W- who the [CENSORED] are you? And... hey, that's cool, though! How'd ya manage to hold your breath in that chest for so long?" Shadow asked, veering from shocked to slightly impressed.  
"My name is TINGLE TINGLE KOOLOO- LIMPAH! And I can hold my breath... forever!" Tingle hissed, pushing his face right up next to Shadow's. His breath did not smell the nicest.  
"Uh, yeah. I'm sure that's a pretty handy trick to have since your breath smells like that." Shadow muttered. Tingle, not in the least bit offended, jumped down (he seemed to have been levitating or something) and clasped his hands behind his back. "Are you a fairy, Mr. Fairy?"  
"Nah, I don't like fairies. Just swan around pretending they're the oracles of the Goddesses, and they don't wear a [CENSORED] thing!"  
"Oh, what a shame. You look a lot like a fairy I met a couple of days ago. That fairy always come here for a wander and a chat. With me!"  
"... Since when did fairies take up residence 'round here?! She must've been lost..."  
Tingle looked confused for a brief moment. "No, Mr. Not- Fairy, you're wrong! She was actually a HE! And he never gets lost... he always carries a map around! And a sword! And a shield! He always wears green as well!"  
Shadow froze in horror. "Ya mean... LINK?!"  
"Oh, is that his name! Yaaaaay! I like calling him Mr. Fairy, though. D'you know, he wears clothes exactly like me- if I can do things like he does, do you think I could become a fairy too- Hey, where did you go?"  
Shadow was long gone, pounding back to Darunia's room in terror with all the speed he could muster.  
_

"MASTER GANONDORF! MASTER VAATI!"  
Vaati stirred blearily. Ganondorf continued to snore.  
The wind mage was shocked back into full consciousness by Shadow Link jumping on him and wrenching him to his feet.  
"For lord's sake, Shadow Link! What on earth is the matter?!"  
"T- there's a weird man in a unitard out there! And- and he thinks I'm a fairy! And LINK'S BEEN HERE! LINK IS STILL IN THE DEATH MOUNTAIN AREA!"  
The boy was clearly flustered, almost in tears.  
"What's wrong with him?" Ganondorf growled, finally waking up and pointing a rough finger at Shadow.  
"Poor boy saw a man in a unitard." Vaati replied, pulling his shaking creation close. "I never got over the first time I saw that either." "NO, YOU JERKS!" Shadow screamed. "LINK IS HERE! LINK!"  
Ganondorf sat up quickly. Too quickly. The blood drained from his head and he fainted.  
It was left to Vaati to deal with the situation. "Link?" he said, concerned. "Link and his four facets?"  
"Well, I assume so! It's the era of the [CENSORED] Four Sword, isn't it?"

The author paged through her copy of Hyrule Historia. "No, actually it's the Shadow Era. Along with multiple other eras. I couldn't be bothered to stay with one." she muttered.

"Alright then, the [CENSORED] Shadow E- Hey, I have an era named after me?!"  
Vaati leapt to his feet, grabbing Shadow's hand. "No time for that! Where's this unitard- wearing fool! Take me to him!"

The two made their way at speed to where Tingle had been discovered. However, they were unsuccessful in finding him- as Tingles do, he seemed to have just disappeared into thin air. Shadow couldn't help but be secretly relieved, despite his master's worry. He relaxed the search a little, idly checking under rocks once in a while as Vaati frantically went around shaking awake bleary Gorons ("Hey, have you seen a short guy wearing a green unitard thing? Please!")  
Their search once again proved fruitless, and as the sun rose in the sky their hopes of finding out more about Link's location sank. They slumped against a wall, defeated.  
"So I suppose we're just gonna let him find us..." Shadow sighed. Vaati clenched his fist.  
"Then he can find us! For we will fight until not a single drop of blood is left in our bodies... I still long for revenge! Yes, we shall sit here and wait until he finds us. We shall wait for a thousand years, and even longer, for I have waited my whole life for vengeance!"  
He rose to his feet, getting into his stride.  
"We shall fight here, without weapons and honourably, until the last Hero falls! Our names shall go down in history, for we shall be the ones who waited... waited for a thousand years for the descendant of the Hero Of Time to find us here, prepared to die in battle for the Kuroi cause. And if we should be the ones who taste sorry defeat, then so be it! For he shall be wounded, and I shall have inflicted on him the pain that I have felt, as I searched and waited for him on every day of these broken centuries! Let it be known that-"  
His rousing speech was cut short by a loud cough behind him. Annoyed at this interruption, he whipped round to find-  
"GHIRAHIM!" Shadow yelled, leaping to his feet. "Hey, you're back! How was your, er, extended stay in Cardiff?"  
Ghirahim furrowed his brow. "It was good... I suppose. I found my cape." he indicated dismissively, running his hand along the silk. He glared at Vaati. "I take it you've made quite a lot of progress in your quest?"  
Vaati nodded. "As you can see, we have reached the target destination and-"  
Ghi waved a hand. "Stop! Stop! You sound like a flight attendant. Do you still need me, or must I go back to the Kuroi HQ and rue the day I become your lackey?"  
The wind mage considered this for a moment. An idea came to him. "Actually, Ghi- we need you. Listen, do one little thing for us and I'll give you a promotion when we get back..."

Ghirahim gritted his teeth in great annoyance as he stayed as still as he possibly could. Vaati held his ankles, holding him out before him. Ghirahim was trying to keep straight, so that he pointed out before Vaati like the Master Sword when Link was dowsing. He closed his eyes and concentrated hard. Being a magical sword spirit, much like Fi, he was able to help his masters track down objects using dowsing powers. Focusing an image of Tingle in his mind, he searched for him subconsciously. He felt his body pulsate as his master got closer to the man's location, and the throbbing die down when they moved away.  
"It was back that way!" he snapped, jerking his head to the left. Vaati "accidentally" bumped his head into a wall.  
"Well, I'm TERRIBLY SORRY!" the wind mage replied. "I was just making sure Shadow Link didn't fall into a boiling pit of lava!"  
As if on cue, Shadow fell into the pit of lava. Whether it was deliberate or not, we will never know. But what we do know is that Vaati didn't care.  
"Shadow, that's not big and it's not clever. Stop attention- seeking and get over here." he called back as Shadow scrambled out with his tunic on fire.  
"BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!" Ghirahim screamed. Vaati gave him a Death Stare.  
"What on earth was that stupid sound for?" he asked coldly. Ghirahim attempted to give him a Death Stare back, but pulled a muscle twisting around and flopped down instead, hitting his head painfully on the floor. Through the pain, he managed to speak.  
"...We've found him, Master."  
Vaati and Shadow looked up, to find Tingle standing before them with a curious, albeit delighted, look on his face. The middle- aged cartographer advanced towards them, hardly able to believe his luck. Three fairies... well, the David Bowie lookalike wasn't dressed in a tunic, but he still had spiky ears! (Well, one). There was the shadow boy he had met before who had run off in such rude haste, and now there was a purple- skinned, taller version of him with floor- length hair, giving him a deadpan look. Tingle tried to return the look, but instead burst into giggles. "Hello Mr Purple Fairy!" He turned to Ghirahim and bowed. "Hello Mr White Fairy!" Finally, he turned to Shadow and gripped his hand in a handshake that almost crushed his wrists. "And I've met you before, Mr Shadow Fairy! Why, you've brought your friends! I'm so HAPPY to meet them all!"  
Shadow pulled away, a disgusted look on his face. "We don't have time for formalities! Where's Link?"  
Everyone waited expectantly as Tingle tried to remember where he had seen Mr Green Fairy last. Oh, and Mr Purple Fairy, Mr Red Fairy, and Mr Violet Fairy. He shook his head in despair. He couldn't remember! Looking at the group, though, he could see they were on the evil side. And he had learnt never, EVER to tell the Kuroi you didn't know. The Kuroi side weren't lenient- when they wanted answers, they could turn you upside down and shake the answers out of your brain. They were lethal.  
"I... believe he went that way. Him and his three friends." he lied desperately, pointing vaguely to the north. Vaati shook his head.  
"That won't do. We need a PROPER direction."  
Tingle could have fainted. Luckily, he was saved- by a very coincidental occurrence.

There was a CRASHHHH behind them, the rend of splintering rock making a hideous noise. Gorons who had only just woken up jumped out of the way, shrieking as a person, even shorter than them, burst through the hole the blast had made. He held a sword in his left hand, and his blonde hair waved in the wind as he focused a deep glare on the Kuroi standing in shock before him. He wore a tunic, bunched up around the waist due to the tightness of his belt. His skinny frame betrayed toned muscles, which he flexed menacingly as he swung his sword from side to side in a warning gesture. The only strange thing was- his tunic was red.  
Vaati took a step back, instinctively flinging an arm out to protect Shadow Link. Shadow hunched his shoulders, matching the Link's glare but making no move against Vaati's actions. Ganondorf, the mighty King Of Evil, destroyer of worlds, ruler of the Kuroi- farted.  
Then he turned and ran away.  
"H- Hey, Master!" Shadow yelled, whipping round along with a shocked Vaati. "Get the [CENSORED] back here!"  
Red Link blanched at the bad language. Unfortunately for him, Vaati had incredible peripheral vision, and saw his moment of weakness. He quickly capitalized on it.  
"[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]!" Shadow Link could have fainted. This was madness- first his big- headed, testosterone- fuelled lord had turned tail and fled, now his calm, polite master was swearing like a sailor?! He sank to his knees.  
"Shadow, get up!" Vaati hissed, grabbing his tunic and wrenching him to his feet. "You're the pro! Swear! Swear like your life ends tomorrow!"  
The shadow child's eyes widened in joy. He straightened up, cleared his throat, flexed his fingers, and began.

(To the tune of The Blue Danube)  
"Tra la la la la,  
[CENSORED], [CENSORED]!  
Tra la la [CENSORED] la,  
[CENSORED], [CENSORED]!  
Tra la la la la,  
[CENSORED], [CENSORED]!  
Tra la la [CENSORED] la,  
[CENSORED], [CENSORED]!  
Tra [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED],  
[CENSOOORRREEEEDDDD]!,  
Tra la [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED] la la la!"

Red Link burst into noisy tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAA! You're horrible!"  
"Keep at it, Shaddy!" Vaati whooped. His creation complied joyfully, turning the air every colour of the rainbow as Red wailed loudly.  
Eventually, when the red Link looked on the brink of committing suicide, Vaati signalled for Shadow to stop. In one swift movement, he swung out an arm and caught him across the cheek, knocking him neatly to the floor and causing his sword to skitter out across the stones. Red made a valiant attempt to snatch at it from his disadvantaged position, but his shadow neatly leapt over him and grabbed it. The Link with the black tunic grinned, weighing the blade in his hand. His pride at having a real sword quickly dissapiated when Vaati snatched it off him. He glared at his master, but said nothing as Vaati carried out some perfectly telegraphed moves that showed his well- hidden swordfighting prowess. Winning the Picori Tournament was like winning the Olympics in Hyrule.  
Red scowled at him from the floor, wiping his face roughly. "Give me my Four Sword back!"  
Vaati knelt down in front of him, waving it tauntingly in front of his face. "You want your puny weapon? Then tell us what we want to know."  
The facet of Link thought deeply about this. He could guess what the Kuroi wanted to know... the location of the "main" Link, Green. His shoulders slumped in dejection. In all honesty, it was better to obey their orders. It was better to betray a couple of secrets and get the Four Sword back than be dead. He nodded submissively. "What do you want?"  
"Which way do you put Y- fronts on?" Shadow interjected before Vaati could speak.  
"With the Y in the front." Red replied. "They're called Y- fronts for a reason, Shadow..."  
The boy looked shocked. "Hot damn! Whaddya know?" Seeing Vaati's icy glare, he shrank back. "Oh yeah... your turn, Master."  
The sorcerer turned his attention back to the whimpering Link. "So, boy... where is Green Link? And where are the rest of you? Did you come on your own, or are they hiding in the shadows somewhere?"  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WE STOLE THE DARK MIRROR! I ADMIT IIIIIITTTTT!" Red squealed. "AND- AND I CAME ON MY OWN, BLUE IS IN ZORA'S DOMAIN, PURPLE IS IN GERUDO VALLEY WITH THE MIRROR, AND GREEN IS ON A DATE WITH MALON!" All this without pausing for breath. There was an incredulous silence after his confessions, in which the two Kuroi just stared at him. They could not believe someone could be so cowardly... but then again, that was the defining characteristic of the wimpiest Link in the history of Zelda. Well, wimpiest quarter- Link anyway. He lay on the ground, breathing becoming more even. Damn, that had been good to get off his chest!  
"Well... will you let me go now?" he asked hopefully.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T HURT ME!"  
"We promised nothing of the sort." Vaati replied calmly as he turned Red Link around on the spit- roast.  
Shadow lay back and rubbed his stomach hungrily. "Hurry up, Vaats, I'm starvin'!"  
"I'm cooking him as fast as I can! Damn fire won't heat up..." the sorcerer muttered, picking up a stick and poking at the flames half- heartedly. "Jeez, you would've thought with all the natural heat around here it would go up like a jet."  
Ganondorf chose this moment to creep back out of the shadows, hands twisting nervously. Vaati and Shadow both noticed him out of the corners of their eyes but pointedly ignored him. He stood there for a while, examining his feet and kicking at any stones that happened to lie before them in an awkward silence. Still no response from his minions. He decided to take the matter into his own hands.  
"Ahem!" He coughed loudly. Vaati and Shadow turned to look at him coldly.  
"Yes, Master? Thank ya'll for helpin' with the fight an' all." Shadow hissed.  
Ganon shook his head. "No, you don't understand! I, uh... had to take a phone call. That's all. I would've helped, but..."  
"You ran away, Master." Vaati replied without looking at him. "Bit cowardly, though? And I mean, it's not as if RED Link is the roughest, toughest hero in town anyway."  
Ganondorf didn't know how to reply. True, he should have faced his fears and stood before Red like a man. But it wasn't as though he had the same bravado as Vaati and Shadow, whose unassuming personalities betrayed their courage. Shadow was extroverted, yes, but one would never think of him as a Kuroi hero willing to face a facet of their most dangerous enemy. And the thought of Vaati ever getting into a fight was beyond anyone's imagination- the mage was notorious for never wanting to get his hands dirty. Heck, he even refused to cook raw meat in case he got blood underneath his nails. But no- both of them had stood up to Link, without knowing which Link it was. They hadn't cared at all, even though it could have been the violent, erratic Blue, or the intelligent, deceptive Vio. It was sheer luck that they had ended up facing Red Link, who spent his whole life in an innocent haze of half- terror. Scared of everything and everyone around him, Red was almost a living parody of cowardice. Now, turning slowly on the spit, this was his comeuppance. Not a dignified end for a hero of the Four Sword... but now that a new Link had been born into the world, it was the Kuroi duty to prevent him from becoming known to those who could build him into a saviour. He jerked out of his thoughts with a quiet gasp. "Whoa, man, that was like... SOOO deep!" Vaati handed him a plate with a sliver of meat on it. "Some Red Link, master?"

-  
**Aaaaaand that concludes Chapter 11! MENTIONS!**

**SpiritofSilverWater**: I agree too! Seeing Ganon get hurt AGAIN and AGAIN is hilarious! Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me writing! And, of course, seeing Vaati's life being slowly ruined.

**Swamp Dragon Princess**: Thank you once again! I felt quite sorry for the rock as well... I'm sure he doesn't mind really though. Believe me, I had forgotten what the three were supposed to be doing as well. I had to remind myself, and I was going through the files saying "WHAT? REALLY? What kind of storyline IS this?!"  
Alas!

**Now, a little word for the rest of you. I'm truly honoured that you like my story enough to follow/ favourite it, or even me in some cases, but where are my reviews? I'll let you in on something; a review is worth much more to me. It shows you've actually found the time to tell me what you think, instead of clicking a button and leaving it at that. I appreciate it if you really don't want to, but... if you could, would you leave just a little sentence? For me? Thank you! =)**


	13. Big, Dramatic Fight Scene

-  
**I'm back! "Way hay!" I hear you cry.**  
**Anyway, usual pre- chapter author blah blah blah things... I think perhaps I came on a little too heavy with the post- chapter notes in Ch.11. I genuinely didn't mean to offend you guys!- favourites and follows still mean a lot to me! I'm really sorry if my comments were taken the wrong way ^_^ Here's the fight scene we've been building up to! Let's hope things don't go dreadfully wrong...**  
**This IS a rather serious chapter towards the end though. Normal service will be resumed next week!**  
-

Chapter Twelve: Big, Dramatic Fight Scene

Veran, Onox, and Bellum were automatically dispatched to get rid of the other three Links. However, the goddesses of Kuroi luck were having an off day and all three of them were immediately crushed by the Heroes. Surely nobody could stop the avenging Shiroi now..?

Meanwhile, at Goron City, the three decided that it was now or never. Seizing any weapon they had to hand- Vaati grabbed a stick, Shadow grabbed a porcelain pot, and Ganondorf took his shoe off and waved it around menacingly- they made their way up the stairs to the main area.  
Outside, hundreds of Gerudo waited.  
"Hey, wait a second, why do we need weapons? We've got magic!" Ganondorf said suddenly. He puffed his chest out, feeling very clever.  
"Our magic is limited, Master." Vaati whispered to him. "Why is it limited? I thought you got the Light Force when you were younger! Y'know, unlimited power and everything!"  
"I tried to, Master... but then Link came and hit me with his sword. He was a big bully. I transformed three times in order to defeat him, each form more monstrous than the last, but he beat me back every time until my body was shattered. I was sealed in the sword for many years."  
"Aw. Bummer."  
Gathering their army of brainwashed Gorons who were obediently waiting for them, they made final preparations for battle.  
"Okay, guys. Let's look over supplies." Shadow called, levitating above them. "Hey, that rhymed!"  
"Just get on with it, Shadow!" Vaati called up. "I wanna get this battle over and done with in time for Deal Or No Deal!"  
"Alright, Master, hold your horses." Shadow called back down. "Okay, everybody say "Aye" if you've got the items I'll name... if you answer "No", I'll kill you. Okay- heart potion?"  
"Aye." hundreds of stoned Gorons replied.  
"Band- Aids?"  
"Aye."  
"Whisky?"  
"Aye."  
"Swords 'n' spears? Sounds like a mediaeval pub."  
"Aye."  
"Bread, milk, and eggs?"  
"Whaaaaaaat?"  
Shadow consulted the piece of paper he held in his hand. "Oh, sorry. Damn, this is my shopping list! Anyway, we're all ready! MOVE OUT!"  
The Gorons took up ranks and turned towards the door with a synchronised stamp.  
"WAAAAIT! I'M higher in status than Shadow! I give the command!" Vaati yelled.  
The Gorons turned back to their original positions.  
"MOVE OUT!"  
The Gorons took up ranks and turned towards the door with a synchronised stamp.  
"WAAAAIT! I'M higher in status than VAATI! I give the command!" Ganondorf roared.  
The Gorons turned back to their original positions.  
"MOVE OUT!"  
An old lady who had been renting the cave upstairs scuttled past, carrying a large suitcase. "I'm sorry! I'm going! I'll pay rent next time, I promise!" she wailed.  
The Gorons took up ranks, turned towards the door with a synchronised stamp, and marched right over her.  
Shadow Link, Vaati and Ganondorf led them out of the city. They marched obediently in time with the rhythm Ganon insisted on chanting again and again.  
"One... two... three... FOUR FIVE! One... two... three... FOUR FIVE! FOUR FIVE! FOUR FIIIIVE!"  
"Master, isn't that the theme to Space Odyssey?" Shadow asked.  
"No!" Ganondorf snapped. "Budda budda budda budda budda budda budda budda-"  
"That's the theme to Jaws! Cut it out, we can't march at this pace!" Vaati yelled.  
"Fine. One, two, friggin' three four. One, two, friggin' three four. One, two-"  
"Are we supposed to do a little tapdance on the "friggin'", Master?"  
"SHUT UP, VAATI!"  
The Gorons, now thoroughly confused, fell out of their rhythm and just ambled along behind their bickering masters dutifully. Shadow Link kept their morale up by singing old Rolling Stones hits, but after the third rendition of "Ruby Tuesday" with four hundred Gorons miming the air- guitar solo, Ganondorf had no choice but to turn round and tell them to "PACK IT IN!"  
"Fine, I'll summon the Hinoxes!" Shadow snapped.  
"No, for God's sake don't summon THEM!" Vaati wailed, leaping forward and stopping Shadow from casting the spell with an anti- curse. Usually, he would have been encouraging his minion since the Hinoxes were such fierce fighters- also, since they were Kuroi and not neutral, they were less likely to backstab as well. However, for this battle they needed a more... intelligent army. The Hinoxes were notoriously erratic and would frequently forget which side they were on. He shuddered as he remembered one particular battle where he was bludgeoned to near- death by a Hinox tax- collector who thought he was Kent Hovind. That was the kind of intelligence they were dealing with. So, to cut a long explanation conceived purely to bulk out the story short, Gorons were much better for a fight with high stakes such as this.  
They came over the crest of the mountain, the sun now high in the sky. It hit them with a piercing glare and illuminated the battle ground atop the Hylian mount. It was a surprisingly large and flat expanse for such a rocky area, yet seemed a lot smaller due to the vast amounts of Gerudo now pouring towards them from the opposite side.  
Ganondorf squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. He had been working up to this moment for weeks. It all culminated in this... the strength of this army he had cobbled together against the vast superiority of the fierce Gerudo, the race he had belonged to all his life. That Ganondorf was dead... they were Shiroi, and he was Kuroi. They could not mix, and this was the result.  
"Are you ready, Vaati?" he asked the mage at his side. Vaati nodded.  
"Are you ready, Shadow?" he asked his minion's minion. Shadow shook his head.  
"Master, I kinda need a pee."  
"Hold it!" he yelled. The Goron army, who had been advancing menacingly towards the Gerudo, stopped. The front few flanks were cut into sashimi.  
"No, I didn't mean stop! I was talking to Shadow!" Ganon yelled.  
His shout was drowned out by the shrieks of the violent female tribe as they engulfed him. They had advanced quickly, and he found himself in the heat of battle. As blades flashed like lightening in a thunderstorm around him, he ducked and dived to try and make his way to the edges of the fight. He suddenly felt a feminine hand grab the back of his tunic and wrench him backwards.  
"[CENSORED]! GUYS, HELP!" he shrieked, convinced he was caught.  
"I AM helping!" Vaati's voice came from the crowd. "Get back in here, you fat coward, and FIGHT!"  
He twisted himself around in shock, but his minion was gone. Vaati narrowed his eyes, focusing his glare on each Gerudo in turn as he dispatched them skilfully. Each weak point was exposed to his sharp senses a thousand times more obvious than usual, and every time a woman's hand loosened on the blade even a little, she found it whipped from her grasp and used to cut her to the ground. The winner of the 100th Picori Tournament put every skill he had ever learnt to the test, jumping and flipping out of harm's way and taking on opponents with reckless abandon. One watching from the sidelines would have been convinced it was Link in a Vaati- like guise- except the sorcerer was completely silent, not making any sort of noise even when a rogue blade caught him hard across the face and neck. Shadow Link danced around, wildly waving anything he could get his hands on around his head. In place of a traditional war chant, he sang football songs ("Yeah! Swearin' every other line!"). His fighting methods were rather more... unorthodox than the calculating Vaati's or the violent Ganondorf's. He twirled up to a Gerudo lady and promptly mooned her, causing her to spin around on the spot and faint. He then ran up to Risky, who he spotted in the crowd, and headbutted her.  
"Damn!" Risky cursed. "Are you Vaati's offspring?!"  
"Depends which way ya look at it!" Shadow sang, and sprinted off, ploughing straight through a crowd of screaming Gerudo.  
Ganondorf, knowing that if he tried to run away Vaati would just drag him back again, reluctantly took off both his shoes and plunged head- first into the violent warfare. Roaring a war cry over Shadow's footy songs, he unleashed every primal instinct he had and battered his tribe like a demented ape. He raised the shoes above his head and brought them down upon the nearest person's face again and again, regardless of which side they happened to be on. Vaati had to duck out of the way more than once to avoid losing his other eye.  
The Gorons were a brilliant asset. As the wind mage had predicted, they were an immensely powerful force who, much like Ganondorf, relied on violence to get their own way. They had no well thought- out attacks whatsoever, and this was actually more effective than it sounds. They followed Shadow Link's example most of all, ploughing headlong into anyone who was unlucky enough to be in their way. However, they were intelligent enough to recognise who was and who wasn't on their side. Thus, the three Kuroi and their brainwashed army fell into a surprisingly good attack pattern.  
Vaati became the strategist, yelling orders to Shadow and Ganon and calculating attack patterns perfectly. He was a brilliant fighter, quick and light on his feet, but his hair and cape kept getting in his way and sometimes he would be brought crashing to the ground by one or both.  
Shadow was their "shock tactic", his unexpected fighting methods completely throwing the Gerudo off guard. Whether he was creeping up behind them and shouting "BOO!", kicking their backsides, or headbutting them, his fighting was more like a schoolyard- scrap style than anything else. While on paper (or on a computer screen) this may not sound effective, it was wholly amusing and actually worked quite well.  
Ganondorf was the violence of the group, hitting anybody and anything that crossed his bulldozer- like path. Despite Vaati's despairing yells and frantic instructions, he took barely any notice and basically, er... vanquished everything. His immense magical power meant that huge craters would appear in the battlefield after just one spell. As for the effectiveness of this fighting... well, you decide for yourself. The Gorons were much like Ganon, but fortunately to a somewhat lesser extent.  
Three hours after the battle had initially begun, the tables had begun to turn for the better. The Gerudo's number were dwindling and the remaining ones were slowly losing morale. Risky was at the forefront of the group, determined to bring Vaati down or die trying. Eyes flashing, she gave one last order to attack- but this time the Kuroi were ready.  
By this time, fate had made its choice. The Gerudo, no matter how hard they fought, were by now destined to always be beaten back by the side led by their once- was ruler. Those who dared to attack full- on were killed instantly, and those who held back were still found by some rogue spell or other and were left to die amidst the blood- soaked mud and grass. Although the violence was horrific, in traditional Zelda style it was bitterly captivating and beautiful in horrid, twisted ways. The fierce female race continued to fight even when they knew there was no hope for them, such was their pride and determination to belittle their former master. Vaati could not help but understand their plight, as it was almost like a reconstruction of his final fight with Link- the desperation, the knowing that he was too damaged to go on... one hit would kill him, but just by seeing Ezlo's face he was reminded of why and how he was there, and how he had to avenge this wrong however he could. Silence eventually fell on the battlefield. There was not even a cry to be heard from the wounded and dying. Ganondorf, exhausted, found the energy to give the order to stop before falling to his knees.  
Shadow fell next to him, panting heavily. He couldn't even find the energy to swear.  
Vaati, only slightly out of breath and still completely immaculate, sat down gently next to them and crossed his legs. The Gorons all collapsed at once behind him, causing a crash that sent the three half a metre into the air.  
There was not a word said- until Ganondorf spoke up loudly.  
"Well, shall we go to the pub to celebrate?"

After taking a vote (Shadow and Ganon for, Vaati against), the majority won and the three set off to the pub. Vaati trooped along behind them with great reluctance, and made a solemn vow not even to order a glass of mineral water.  
"Knowing Telma, she'd probably spike it." he muttered.  
"Yeah, she would! She's a [CENSORED] firecracker, is Telma!" Shadow sang from ahead. "Look down her dress when ya have the chance, Master!"  
"SHADOW LINK! I would never engage in such puerile activity!"  
"Oh yeah, I suppose ya wouldn't if you're female. ARE you female?"  
"Haven't we had this conversation before?"  
Shadow stopped to cast his mind back. "Nah, don't think so."  
"Well, you have. Keep moving, the bar shuts at 8!" Ganon yelled from a couple of metres in front. Vaati and Shadow dutifully increased their walking pace a little to catch up (c'mon, do you really think they like him enough to run?).  
They arrived at Castle Town just as the clock soldier struck 1AM. He would sing a little ditty on the hour, and he burst into song the second they walked through the gates leading down from Death Mountain. Shadow listened to his song, then applauded and threw a blue Rupee into the bottle at the soldier's feet.  
The town was always packed at this time of night with the usual drunken revellers and those picking for fights. News travelled fast in Hyrule, and the three were already becoming known (through rumour, of course) for apparently defeating the Gerudos single- handedly. As it meant they gained "a whole loadda [CENSORED] street cred!" (Shadow), none of them were about to set the stories straight.  
They approached Telma at the bar, who greeted him with a hearty "Hey there, boys!"  
"Heya, Telma!" Shadow announced, pulling Vaati over by the wrist. "We're back- with a friend!"  
"Hello, there." Telma said kindly to the wind mage, who was looking around the bar with barely- hidden disgust. "So, what's your name?"  
Vaati, noticing she was there for the first time, caught the tail end of her question. "My name is Vaati. I am the great Wind-"  
"Oh, cool! You're the guy from the Viagra sketch!"

The bar went still.

-  
**CLIFFHANGER! But you can guess what Vaati's about to do, right? Poor little guy.**  
**Mentions!**

**SpiritofSilverWater**: Why thank you! Yes, the only person who could ever ask dumber questions than Shadow is Ganny. I'm glad you find his enquries funny though! I love writing the Shadow parts. He's the character I find funniest.  
Shall we set up a trans- Atlantic anti- Tingle lobby? DIE, TINGLE, DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEE!

**Elegia Dark**: Commenting in another language without noticing? Um, okay! Thank you for the review anyway! Yes, I'm crazy. If that is indeed a compliment, which I shall take it as until proved wrong! ^^ Hey- hang on... I bite my nails. Does that mean I'm a cannibal? Um...  
Anyway, I hope my PM cleared things up!

Anyway, a bit of BAD TASTE next chapter as well! Sorry! (Think of this as your trigger warning).


End file.
